thought id make a quick post to top that last one. i already forgot all about it. lol. so lets just keep it there as a reminder. just dont read it too much cos its *yawn* boooorrring.. read instead the poem below it....

when i was a kid i used to spend summers with my girl cousins in
the states
and i miss those days i still remember them
the earring calendars
the glitter pen on the folding chair saying boy george
or was it prince
either way those days are here again
the quality of air

did you embarrass me? did you really
or did you embarrass yourself
how can you face me now
if you did that and admit it
what will i do when that day comes

the long path towards familiar feelings
going home alone again
going to meet my friends again
hang out with my family again.

ps. i want to get a photo printed. id like to hold a photo in my hands when i wake as well. pure gold...

this is pure dislike.

i realized this year the people i met and called my friends

yeah sorry my blog is so corny these days im such a sappy love stricken fool.
the joys of immersing into the pool of syrup that drips from your lip
as you speak and sing and sigh and cry for that one singular person place and thing
that you can not define but know its proximity holds enough power silently generating
the current fluctuating force vibrations of pure present awareness manifested into
the ether and current reality extending to the fold the cone the pendulum
finish that book that page turn it down turn it on but never ever turn it off.

you know how there are no more stars being made in the universe? i was wondering if thats cos we rarely see them. if we see them all the time like before maybe we can imagine new ones into creation.

star |stär|nouna fixed luminous point in the night sky that is a large, remote incandescent body like the sun.True stars were formerly known as the fixed stars, to distinguish them from the planets orwandering stars. They are gaseous spheres consisting primarily of hydrogen and helium, there being an equilibrium between the compressional force of gravity and the outward pressure of radiation resulting from internal thermonuclear fusion reactions. Some six thousand stars are visible to the naked eye, but there are actually more than a hundred billion in our own Galaxy, while billions of other galaxies are known.a conventional or stylized representation of a star, typically one having five or more points the walls were painted with silver moons and stars.• a symbol of this shape used to indicate a category of excellence the hotel has three stars.• an asterisk.• a white patch on the forehead of a horse or other animal.• (also star network) [usu. as adj. a data or communication network in which all nodes are independently connected to one central unit computers in a star layout.a famous or exceptionally talented performer in the world of entertainment or sports a pop star [as adj. ]singers of star quality.• an outstandingly good or successful person or thing in a group rising star in the party [as adj. Ellen was a star student.Astrology a planet, constellation, or configuration regarded as influencing someone's fortunes or personality :his golf destiny was written in the stars.• ( stars) a horoscope published in a newspaper or magazine what do my stars say?verb ( starred starring ) [ trans. ](of a movie, play, or other show) have (someone) as a principal performer a film starring Liza Minnelli.• [ intrans. (of a performer) have a principal role in a movie, play, or other show McQueen had starred in such epics as The Magnificent Seven [as adj. ( starring) his first starring role.• [ intrans. (of a person) perform brilliantly or prominently in a particular endeavor or event Vitt starred at third base for the Detroit Tigers.decorate or cover with star-shaped marks or objects thick grass starred with flowers.• mark (something) for special notice or recommendation with an asterisk or other star-shaped symbol the activities listed below are starred according to their fitness ratings [as adj., in combination ( -starred) Michelin-starred restaurants.PHRASESmy stars! informal dated an expression of astonishment.reach for the stars have high or ambitious aims.see stars see flashes of light, esp. as a result of being hit on the head.someone's star is rising see rise .stars in one's eyes used to describe someone who is idealistically hopeful or enthusiastic about their future :a singer selected from hundreds of applicants with stars in their eyes.DERIVATIVESstarless adjectivestarlike |-ˌlīk| adjectiveORIGIN Old English steorra, of Germanic origin; related to Dutch ster, German Stern, from an Indo-European root shared by Latin stella and Greek astēr.
the night sky is beautiful tonight
so many stars
have the powers that take given
into the clamour of my heart my sky my heaven my sight
ships in the harbour to navigate by
love to trust and feel
all the colours of the rainbow
through emotions strained maintained abused and soothed

sweetness pain and longing
come to the fore
whole in one
we see plainly everyones natures come to be.
i went and biked to see if my love would be there
but he wasnt
well, i got scared. it was dark.
i didnt go in and check properly.
kinda dumb.
whatever/not whatever.
constantly trolled.
waste of time and effort.
hes never going to be there
hes never coming back
he doesnt even think of me.

unrequited love is the worst.

your heart feels like lead
your throat feels thick
your frown, your scowl,

just one time.


i never get what i want.
its always a hand me down
an accident
pure luck
by chance
worked for it
falls on my lap.
never the right timing,
never who i truly want.

tsk tsk tsk

one day i hope to fall in love with the right person at the right time no mistakes no abandonment no fakes no abuse no tears.


i need to redo my blog. i have a long list of new links :)

im packing aways my jewelry suppiles for a bit.

i have a new roommate yippee! she paints she tattoos shes real cool and like a living doll maybe we can play dress up dress down and turn around.

still looking for a job. do you have one for me?

whats happening to everyone i asked the iching today
it gave me 18, decay

felt calm this morning but to my dismay
i looked around and felt a worry

of sorts to sort
of letters to print
and voices to be heard remembered and filtered

the noise is the hum of the city
the hummers and the harmonicas

the bums and business men
all wearing suits suited to perfect them
their stance their posture their elegance
in shopping carts in car trunks in bottles of sustenance

stop now go ahead
a dot a dash
give him head
will you marry me for my money
or what i bring to bed

does it matter
batter this vegetable
and pronounce me dead
fry me in oil fat lard and blotter
my excesses
teach me to slim down
and watch me rise up
like a burning cookie wrapper
speaking in spanish
golden like elephants
decorated wood posts
and tea cups of soil.


The day started and kept going like the wispy clouds planes make that disturb my minds eye.

I met this guy and he told me to call him Spicy. I only know him because he wanted me to meet him as he wanted to show me. Out of all the guys I met, this one was the one I really wanted. The most mysterious and mischievous of them all, the one who made me laugh till my stomach hurt. Our minds met and eyes locked and we lived in each others souls. Then he physically disappeared. My dismay amplified by the times I hurt myself. Exponential. Now Spicy was a really nice guy. He was gentle to me and his sharp wit had no rival.  When he disappeared I didn’t know what to do. I was confused and messed up by it all. With no way of contacting him, not knowing anybody he knew, he literally went “poof” and vanished. As depressing as it is to have the one you love leave you, I decided to cry for a few months, flail on the ground like a fish out of water, and proceed to commit every single mistake known to womankind. He left me and I went crazy. All the poetry in the world and still longing for this person named Spicy who told me to wait for him. It’s a little embarrassing because how can you love a man who calls himself a sensation. I started to look for him on Craigslist Missed Connections and this is when my self-discovery launched into the atmosphere like a Mentos rocket scientist in a Coke bottle. 

gold plated leaf skeletons

leaves of trees
large mulch pits
the future
bars of gold extracted from soil 
thoughts come and go like oxygen 
the past

can we disperse all the gold we took from the earth
and put it back into the land?

im joining the cbc writing contest its 500 words and the theme is encounters with science. this will be my trailer for "my life as a fractal". story goes: girl meets guy. guy disappears. girl looks for him. finds out about herself in the process... dun du du duuun! i have it recorded in my computer i just have to type it out. ya! all the stories i come up with, all the strangers i speak to pretending they are you... my conspiracy theorist heart finds a home.

i went to this place today i used to go to to cry and try to kill my love for this guy that left me. i wrote him a note and went and someone had been there. it was magic. the scope of vision and the creativity in  expressing its sources was lovely. i loved it. what i dont trust is my trusting it. i keep trying outside of this binary and its never him. everything is connected and nothing leads me to him. i hate it. guys are such assholes. im so tired. i wanted to write but i came to this. wouldnt it be easier to just be able to transmit our thoughts into each other, there wouldnt be any misunderstanding.

oh wait a second.

i forgot about talking. duh

i wrote to stephen harper and this is what i got

Dear Ms. Tirona: 

I would like to acknowledge receipt of your correspondence regarding the Canada-China Foreign Investment Promotion and Protection Agreement (FIPA).

Please be assured that your comments have been carefully reviewed. I have taken the liberty of forwarding your message to the Honourable Edward Fast, Minister of International Trade, who, I am certain, will also appreciate being made aware of your views.

Thank you for writing to the Prime Minister. 

M. Bredeson 
Executive Correspondence Officer 
  for the Prime Minister's Office 
Agent de correspondance 
  de la haute direction pour le Cabinet du Premier ministre 

>>>  From : Nicole   Received : 01  Nov  2012 03:16:28 PM  >>> 

>>>  Subject : Hi. This is my letter about what I learned about FIPA today.  >>>> 

Dear Stephen Harper, 
Please dont give all our jobs to China. Ive been here for a long time and I can do anything a Chinese person can do. I had to quit my handmade crafts business about a year ago. It was very successful until someone said the economy crashed in 2008 and thats pretty much when my business started to taper to a halt. Ive been looking for a job and I would hate not to be able to find one because all the jobs are in China. I spend whatever I earn on my local community. I try to buy Canadian made products and produce that enhances our environment. There are a lot of people like me. I am a permanent resident and I came here to go art school. You guys in the consulate told me to come on down and maybe get married to Canadian national when I finished school. Well, I never finished school cos it was too expensive as an international student and I ended up with a visa card debt cos I used my credit card to pay for my tuition. But I did get into a wonderful common law relationship and that guy is an artist and he sponsored me. Hes a vegetarian and he taught me a lot about art and Canadian culture. I love Canada and I love the people here. I applied for my citizenship and I hope Canada grants it to me. This year has been very difficult for me, and now I am trying to change my career. I hope I find a job, Im redoing my resume right now. 

Meanwhile, Please dont make 31 year deal with China binding Canada not to be able to compete with their products. It seems similar to the Philippines not being able to create products that go against the world banks products due to their debt. Conceptually speaking as an artist, this doesnt sound like a good idea. 31 years is a long time, I know because I am 33. So many lifetimes happen in a single year. Please reconsider and come up with alternate, local solutions.

We are on the same piece of land, if anything. 

Kind regards, 
Nicole Tirona 

    I am strongly opposed to the undemocratic FIPA agreement the Canadian government plans to finalize with the Chinese government.  It will give a foreign country and foreign corporations more power than our democratically elected governments. I am not in agreement with a 31 year binding contract. Any Corporations operating on Canadian soil must adhere to the changing rule of law sanctioned by Canadians. Are you not concerned about what this deal will mean for Canadians?

maybe you are right.

i dont have anything to offer you
you told me i was worthless and that i didnt have anything that i have no money and that you have a nicer place than i do. you said i was nothing but a _____, and that i dont have anything to offer you.
i imagine youre working and doing what you said. i too, mistakenly am doing what i said.

its stupid for me to imagine you are all the good things i imagine you are. because if i really think about it, youre not good to me and you are not good to people around you.

i hate to let you go, i detest it. i fight to let you go on the daily.everytime i think im going to, i cry and cry and cry. i cant figure out how to let you go without dying.

the stories i come up with. i wish any of them were true.

funny strangers make my day


but am i still testing?
why bother, i say
the passing fancies
and rush of initial interest fades quickly
enough to remember
why do all these stories remind me of you
if you were to tell me your story through another
i have heard it a thousand times
every version brings a new version
do you know what version we are on right now?
version fucked.9
cosine that

someone wrote something wonderful and attached was a picture from my childhood.
i have the same picture in a frame, in my room. i even copied the image and painted it for my friend. my old bus mate...judy. and the dream of horses and judy and the yellow brick road.

i still pretend you will show up one day and explain. but i am wrong wrong wrong
you wont show up
if anything
youll ask me for money
ask me for cash to buy this to buy that
cash i dont got
youll tell me to wait
youll tell me to bring you something
you wont tell me to go
you wont tell me the truth

in the meanwhile i drag and drag and drag

ok my 100th post (? youd think there were more) (according to the dashboard stats anyway) (oh correction, my 1,000th post)

on the airwaves: grizzly bear // veckatimist


i found the compose icon. no more block posts. how divine!


so this post ok, im going to do my best to finish that story i have below. the one about murphys law and sandy.

where did i leave off lets see... (fade to wavy blur into the past)

ah yes.. ok so he pays and i walk in. walking straight to the ripped leather sofa, carefully adjusting the leather throw covering the rips, i sit down and proceed to hang out. i get hungry and eat his leftovers. then i get hungry again and i make french toast. talked watched movie fell asleep. now my friend snores and so do i. and i was seeing another friend for lunch the next day so i was like hmm i should go home but it was stormy and the trains were not running. so i stayed and moved to his room cos he crashed on the sofa... woke up to his incessant alarm and walked downstairs 3 times to pick his phone up and give it to him lmao. frik so that killed it for me and i pretty much yelled at the poor guy till we made up. so then i went home and the trains were all messed up still. so im almost late for my lunch and was frazzled but somehow managed to get it together for sushi. and damn it was soooo good sushi over at 67 roncy. go check it out its a hole in the wall but its so good. they have these special dry sodas in amazing flavours. they arent sweet and 4 ingredients. yes. i had lavender and my friend had blood orange. it was so nice i got so full. then i got home and the story ended. so yeah it wasnt such a good story ey/////

the musics good though...
and i still miss my doll.