Disassociative Amnesia

learned a new term today, still reading about it, and then i remember all the parts i forgot. well i dont actually. but now i have a term for not remembering long periods of time, or how i come to the new month or year without forming a long term memory of the month or year prior. im a goldfish. damn.

happy valentines day btw
for my own gift to myself im cleaning the house so i can have a nice time rolling on the dust mite free floor. was just reading a study on atopic dermatitis and it spoke of dust mites from dogs. gross. and i thought of that night i went to use the washroom and didnt wear my slippers and when i got back into bed i thought i felt my feet itchy and got so grossed out i sprayed them with alcohol then they didnt itch anymore and i realized ive only mopped the floor twice and not one of those times was with borax nor bleach blech. so im wiping surfaces today, reducing the dust that harbors mites and bacteria, cleaning the air at source. or something. im taking my lunch break and there are 5 minutes left before i get back to the grind of whirlwinding around in circles, wiping, and picking things up and putting them somewhere else. happy valentines day to me. im looking forward to the cleared mind state because i havent finished the coat due to zipper attachment anxiety.
My coats almost finished
its making me anxious because I can't sew fast enough, because you have to sew slowly.
I was going to make it buttons but im going to use a dual opening heavy duty plastic zipper i got years ago in dressew (tears)
so these are really bad pics. basically covered a coat with crepe and made a waterproof hood from a hood i found. water resistant. it had a fur inside part which im going to make into an outside part for another coat. also the sleeves are made of pants. and the inside part, the light blue denim, is also pants. i wanted black but i didnt have any fabric i wanted to use. my mind isnt settled enough to make patchwork from the available black i had (panel skirt)

 this bottom panel for the pocket is crepe, interface, and polyester felt zoink! it looks great, though the rest isnt interfaced and you can see the plaid through the crepe which i find lol. also my crooked double stitching
sewing the zipper and then the bottom, and any other details. im getting anxious wish it was already finished it feels like its taken weeks due to lack of work flow and materials.
im sewing a coat, covering a coat, but realize now its slightly too small. i made the pattern though so i can make it again if ever. drat. i think i will try and sell it on etsy for $200 when its done. or $250. also, it looks lke an older ladies coat right now without the hood yet so im worried about its looks.

amber perfume

damn it to hell my lotion smells like dill and cucumbers, a sea of cucumbers by bath and body works is what my friend said and i wanted to throw it away. whatever. he was using axe products when i met him. anyway i made a simple fresh amber perfume and got to smell it again today, thank god i wrote the formula down because i love it and want to repeat it. though, without the lavender alcohol i made it might not smell the same. so there are variations.
it smells of vanilla, sandalwood, musk, lavender extract, and heliotrope. the lavender alcohol i made, its green, and it smells of hay and dried grass and lavender. the amber perfume is very nice and mild and natural smelling even though its mostly aroma chems in the lavender alcohol as a base.  still going to make an amber using essential oils only. labdanum, im almost out and want to try it from a different supplier to get a better sense of it. and vetiver, sandalwood and benzoin. im dreaming of it because i made something similar and the smell was amazing resinous and balsamic but im not sure if i have a good handle on what balsamic smells like. or resinous for that matter. the vetiver from botanic planet is so good it smells like a perfume on its own. just amazing. and the magnolia leaf in low dilution was like how farnesol smells in trace. i made a .01 in 10 grams and it smells similar to isobutavan, to me, it has a vanilla cream aspect to it. im not sure though since i only have so few chemicals to smell. mostly im super impressed with learning the ratios of using the essentials oils when i look up demo formulas in the good scents company, like this recent chypre i copied. ive been using these oils for years now but never figured out the concentrations for example petitgrain, i would never use it higher than other oils or corriander seed which i recently bought but havent used much due to its strength, i wouldnt pair it at the same ratio of anything but in the chypre formula i copied from good scents the ratios of these strong materials is very high, same with the galbanum, such a strong material, but the smell is great in this formula, i can tell how much i over dosed based on the formula (tweaked the ratios as well as made lots of substitution) and im just really glad i found this new hobby to learn how to use the essential oils as perfume. most of the perfumes im making could be all essential oils if i could afford them because these chemicals are really strange, for example farnesol has a anti fugal activity ? or is it anti bacterial, on a certain organism. on human skin. i do not remember the concentration because i dont think i read the entire study, but i do remember the sandalore concentration and its something like .005 lol. really miniscule. that was the concentration in the cream preparation or what did they use to apply it, on the skin, for the sensors to sense the chemical in its atmosphere to stimulate a growth stage of hairs. they dissected mice for this. there are close up pictures of the mice hairs sliced ala damien hurst, growing. pretty intense. im not sure if the study detailed humans? now that im recalling the horror of reading this study just to prove science, im getting rather ill and wonder if it was actually the sandalore study. oh man to be a mouse in a little test zone...oh wait. .
so i was going to rereate the amber perfume but i should buy pipettes. the tiny sample bottles are wasted with little drips around the rims when i use a toothpick to guide the drops, so inaccurate as well. all my formulas since i stopped reusing droppers have been pure luck or misfortune, for example the galbanum overdose. ugh. . .
because i wonder what the smoking violets perfume would smell like with an amber base. havent even finished my design for the label.  did housekeeping today and have some money to buy supplies even though i shouldnt because its not what i should be doing. woops. so greedy vs reality. but single use droppers are absolutely essential ever since my black agar and smelled like it had cassis. ugh.. also found a low cost .001 scale with the auto shut off feature shut offable.
ahh im just touching my hands that were over dry but now totally smoothed over from using the lotion. an amber lotion would be choice! now that i know how to make a fluffy and creamy lotion, this is the formula i wanted for the smoking violets lotion. just hadnt made it yet, and still havent because i made the formula in my head as it was coming along and it was over 100% hmmm also the lotion has some ethanol in it and i could feel it on my over dry skin the first time i put it on, it was like yeow, same thing when i put it on my face, around my nose, it stung yikes, but wow on my hands it was super stingy but worth it i guess because my hands cured super fast and the skin smoothed over. and it doesnt sting when i use it anymore. there was broken / dry skin so it stung. much like when i used the lavender alcohol diluted on over dry plus lye fume burned hands. for the lotion i used .10 of sodium lactate and 2% ipm and 2% dimethicone as recommended in swifts lotions, 78% water so its really fluffy with mostly peach kernel oil. ahhh im so pleased and want that amber lotion! im lucky to have these comforts. oh yeah actually i fudged when my bank was locked i was in the middle of supply shopping and actually i had some preservatives in a bought cart i couldnt pay for. my preservative is all clumpy and done. i should have added it to glycerine or something, i have some in peg 400 but no one uses that stuff topically. and i have the phenoxyethanol and caprylyl glycol stuff but its not antifungal. sighing til diy'ing. oh yeah and i forgot about my new use for xylitol. hey wheres my lame go fund me <<<<< insert link hither

perfuming lotions

made a lotion last night its so nice. with peach kernel oil, pumpkin seed, almond oil, it has silicone and ipm and custom perfume blends.
watery thick and scented lightly and non obtrusively, my fave
made 200 grams (two scents) and made this accord i thought is like
dirty white petal - creamy green - watery
its got hyacinth, and magnolan and magnolia leaf essential oil, green notes like undercavertol, and creamy watery green like trace of farnesol, and i cant remember the rest... heliotropex n, and isobutavan, oh yeah
its linear and clean and i don't really know what im doing but matching scents i like to compile for a perfume.
for the other bottle its the leather green chypre with .06 too much galbanum, so i added bergamot and amyris and extra clearwood and juniper berry and spruce. its also got petitgrain, copied a recipe found in the good scents for a chypre but with loads of substitutions for the aroma chems and some essential oils i dont have anymore like fir needle, don't think i ever had it, subbed it with juniper berry and spruce and was going to add borneol crystal but didn't. used veramoss and treemoss and oakmoss and the leather accord with castoreum, lots of Sicilian lemon oil, and lemonile, a very tiny amount, so i think it turned into a woody colognpre. it started as an airy ozone (too)green leather chypre ?it has coriander seed, Virginia cedar wood, and a rose blend with triplal and other green notes, bergamot as top, sandalwood ebanol combo (oh i did not add musk ketone) its also got green coffee oil which i think is gone bad already (so sad wth) or i need to change the container. ugh. those plastic droppers are killer. and it also has tobacco. it hasn't developed and i will try to make it again because my recipe vs my reality was most inaccurate. lol. no pipettes imagine that.
In the lotion the colognpre will have to wait on its second opinion. Meanwhile I'm enjoying mine and will try it as an after shower full body lotion.

Strawberry Soap

Here it is, the cutest off-center imbed soap I have ever made!

the strawberry is inside!!!
the top looks kind of weird, it lacked about 200 grams so i had to make the fragrance again and make extra soap... i got lazy and didnt all all the fragrance ingredients, just the ones i thought would colour the soap (to match the colour) and it looks like the soap gelled but the top part... maybe it didnt because of the imbed
here you can see the colour doesnt really match
here they are in all their tiny cute glory! looks like they were forced to go into semi gel
so cute!!!! i trimmed all the edges and saved them for rebatching
my only issue is that the strawberry is too low into the soap (shouldnt have pushed it down so far!)
 here are some in a cube, these strawberries are from the last batch and this cube soap didnt gel. the colour is more opaque and buttercream and the edges are much sharper.

New Soaps

hey i realize now i cut the soaps too early.
this is a 250 gram total custom bar,

scented with the basic fougere, essential oils and veramoss and coumarin wow it smells Amazing!!!

 This is the oranger crystal fisco, turned into a bunch of tom thompsons. go figure. scented with the stationary scent (gotta call it something else now) my first synthetics only fragrance smells quite edible and cosmetic
(its now slowly turning darker beige / tan)

the stash awaits its paper boxes

some glycerin soaps i made with no recipe - the purple one is sooooo great mild and bubbly great for my hands while working on the projects i always have to wash and my terrible habit of cutting and usng the soap too early sometimes causes my hands to get extremely dried up so these glycerin soaps i make are now my fave for right away use. these and the liquid soap. oh yeah ive made two different liquid soaps!

*new update with details! *

here are the soaps on the shelf

this is the lava soap made of african black soap and coconut oil soap and activated charcoal (its the one that i tried to make look like lava) (actually it was an accident and i went with it) there are 3 but this was the most artistic one
strawberry pinq soap !

this was a shea butter addition soap with a lavender alcohol bottom (that line on the bottom of darker soap is the most clear and lovely soap) but i didnt temper the batch or something so the shea butter was grainy and it didnt lather that much and it smelled weird i didnt scent it or scented it strange (which happens frequently i use a weird perfume as a soap fragrance because most times the weirdness disappears and its a nice smell but this was not one of those times)
 some table scraps... my poor dog
 this is rose swirl im not sure if they look grotesque or not. im just gonna say they dont, to save my feelings.

 these are fresh lilac bars they smell great, heady, lilac, floral, not for those who dislike flower scents, this is that classic lilac scent

these are my *favorite* but i hacked the loaf very badly and all the bars are unevenly cut (so sad) these soaps were measured perfectly and theyve cured to perfection,,,,,the scent of blackberries and violet leaf this soap is divine

these are lack lye fiasco bars that finally cured into the mildest full of glycerin bars, and they are quite large, much larger than all the rest at 750 divided by 3 (250 grams per bar)

these are little tiny soaps made into a bigger tiny soap. they are shards of mainly glycerin soap trials and colouring experiments and they are super adorable i love the colours. they are made using ice cube molds.

these are the strawberry soaps so cute i made them spur of the moment in a burst of creative energy (but according to camh thats called mania and needs to medicated with sedation drugs? )

 these are glycerin bars that took forever to cure - too long to cure actually
they smell ok, not my fave but i love the colour, i havent tried them, i think they are super mild though i wonder about how bubbly they are!

this is a new process i came up with that makes the cold process soap more translucent, i called this soap happy soap and i created a lemon verbena like scent for it.
this is another glycerin soap same time i made the aqua one. its SUPER bubbly !!!! but not very clear at all. you can tell its got a different texture and it smells nice. it should smell like grapes but it smells like something sweet.

 there are also loads of soap blocks which i havent taken pictures of. im trying to batch some lye but its taken me 4 days i havent done it yet i am very distracted with trauma stress right now (no weed) and no food (hungry and cant think clearly)

I Love You Soap - red rose swirl handmade soap

For Valentines day!

I made this one a wrapper but no pic of it

originally published on Jan 19


new soap
pink clay and a touch of shea with 
a fruity floral rose reminiscent of 
strawberries, ylang ylang and wine

messed up closing photoshop before shut down last night and lost the layers so got to do the cover again
but ahhhh how satisfying
also need to get paper
this paper is no good for the ink
 not sure how it smelled so strongly of strawberries but now a few days later the open bars are just starting to smell like rose again....this one packaged last night has brought the stawberry scent back.
i didnt measure the oils when making the scent so i lost the recipe...this soap loaf is the only one!

 originally published on Jan. 18
dear god,
i hate social media
i find it damaging to my psyche, and the psyche of others.
please remove social media from the universe and put it somewhere else where humans cannot access it.
thank you
some days i wish dominic would walk up behind me and flick my shoulder like he did so many years ago in kensignton
i'd look up and behind me and he would be smiling at me, smirking, i'd catch his impish grin right before he bolts so i can chase him
i'd catch him and breathlessly say,
"Do you have any Water? I am So Thirsty!"
then he would say, "NO I have a drink though,"
and he would proceed to pull out the biggest can of arizona iced tea
I'd grab it and tear it open, gulp it down madly saying
Oh yeah, Happy Birthday to the original Bae, my first real boyfriend partner in Canada. We don't talk at all anymore. I miss him a lot and sometimes call his old phone number (its deactivated now) i realized i dont have his email. Isnt that weird? All those years and we broke up and he never wanted to talk about it. Ever. So I finally left for real. Sure do miss those good old days living with him and having an art studio at home. It sucked when we broke up, he went wild cos i was forming a close friendship with a shady dud (literally a dud of a human) and he screamed at me to get out of the house... so i had to leave the only home I made in Canada. Our apartment was something I maintained and grew as a space but all of a sudden I wasn't welcome, hostile measures were taken against me, I had been in Canada for about 5 years then and had no home again. I never had a permanent house or stability like that ever again. Ive moved over 20 times since then. Thats almost 40 moves. When I went to visit Vancouver a few years ago, he still lived there but the place was needing a housekeeper very badly. He still didn't want to talk about anything and him and my kind of best friend hooked up. So I left again and I haven't heard from either of them and that was the end of that. I'd give him a sample of each soap and he'd take pics of me using the soap in the sink, maybe, if we were still friends.
did you know that diaryland still exists? https://members.diaryland.com/edit/
i lost my old diaryland diary, pre moving to canada 2002. it was ancient and i miss it, i remember writing in it and reading other peoples diaries. its not like a blog at all.. im reading the posts by the recently updated, and wow do i miss the good old days online, no filter, no capitalization, no proper names! the internet was a large shit post board full of elegant trolls. now trolls are on government salary and they propagandize us into misinformed political decisions. lots has changed! back to the real..meanwhile in diaryland its great seeing people still talking truths out here on small pages of the internet. have a glance, a laugh, a peek into the lives of others, and marvel at life, real life. i especially love all the swearing in these diary posts. my fave *swoon*

Liquid Soap from Rebatch Lye Heavy Soap

Making liquid soap from rebatched lye heavy soap is super great! Only thing is you need to know how much oil to put in. Ive made two liquid soaps from a rebatch and this last one was the best!
Because I knew how much oil i forgot. But now what Ive winged it 4 times and followed with great success two online recipes i think i can eyeball the amount of extra oil i can add into the rebatch and still come away with something soapy. Alternately you can make a small amount of new soap to add in the rebatch if using over fatted glycerin river type soaps.
When you rebatch for liquid soap add alcohol to the grated soap and heat it in the crock pot. i was lucky to find an unused looking mini one at value village. i havent died from using it or any of the soaps so i guess its ok to sell soaps made using the second hand crock pot? like what if they cooked chopped up dogs that passed of old age, or road kill squirrels? would i know?
So back to rebatching the grated soap, ive been using the ratio i found online from evik and the french lady on youtube, for the extra liquids you add melted stearic acid in the end, but during the process you add in glycerin and sugar and salt and ive been using xylitol because i cant get sorbitol right now, ive also used sodium lactate, ive added ipm at the end, i only use distilled water, i use the strong ethanol with camphor because its the only one i can find at 94% proof at the shop, and dilute it for spraying, it makes the soap smell cool and as if it smelled like what evaporation would smell like. but not evaporation from hot sidewalks or car roofs. more like the evaporation of a strong mint tea, or a pot of simmering herbs, and cold. the soap to water ratio aimed for is no more than 100 grams total until the end of procedure for up to 300 grams soap for a solid soap, but for the liquid soap its up to you how watery you want it, but i add the water at the very end. im not using potassium hydroxide which is what youre supposed to use for liquid soap. i cant find it locally. so making the soap is difficult and long because i always peek and need to stir and sometimes scrape down the sides but apparently i saw on youtube you can cover the pot with plastic wrap and never stir it but im not sure i have the right pot for that. so i add first alcohol, up to 50 grams,  cover pot and let that dissolve the grated soap in heat. after a while, since my little pot is little, 15 mins or so, i check and give it a stir, spraying top of soap with alcohol so it doesnt dry out. i add a mixture of sugar xylitol glycerin salt water a bit at a time, up to 50 grams, ive used more, sparying the bubbles that form as i break up the soap paste, i keep doing this until it forms a uniform paste and cover, at some point the paste start to liquify at the base and i usually keep adding more grated soap until the pot is full, about 500 grams. until the entire thing is full, paste, and starts to liquify, i keep spraying it with alcohol and cover it and leave it covered until i can blend in melted stearic acid. i have been adding half the recommended stearic acid for liquid soap, about 20 grams for about 400 grams soap. when the soap is liquified (the top usually has bubbles which i remove because im impatient) i pour in the melted stearic acid and blend the soap in the crock pot and remelt the entire thing, occasionally spraying the top so it never dries out, then this clarifies again and then you can add water, at this point,  the soap should not be cloudy. Add preservative at cooling! No way is this soap going to go bad I want to keep it forever because it took so long to make. This is a long process that takes hours but yields an insanely mild and lovely liquid soap. I am using the melt and pour glycerin soap recipe from evik (curious-soapmaker.com) and a comment from her blog, a translation from a french youtube video for the structure and ratio concepts. I have a huge bottle of home made liquid soap now and im going to experiment with it for shampoo, and other washes because i got some SLSa powder. Its supposed to be not sls but i dont know why i got it actually, i got it to add to watery moisturizers for thick body washes. also im super excited to smell this soap.  the soap was the lemon milk (vanilla) and a creamy magnolia (new perfume blend!)
I never liked vanilla but it turns out when i use it in blends i freakin love it.
lol the soap turned into a thick gel like paste the next morning. maybe try No Stearic Acid. guess whos making some soap cream experiments today?
my new logo
its too small
going to add it to all the soap packages
after i resize it. its really tiny, this is enlarged, badly.


it smells like scented stationary
light pink with an illustration of a girl and flowing hair
and tiny stars

-peach kernel with silicone lotion

as opposed to how violated i felt when i realized i couldnt buy food three times in a row over the span of two days was because the revenue service held my bank account. can you believe that shit. ugh so i made some soap and a few perfumes i finally got someone to go over the cannabis blend (mattmeleg on basenotes) and i need to reduce the carrot seed and petitgrain but i dont have all the ingredients anymore namely cypress which was so important, so i replaced it with cedar virginia and juniper berry. its ok i added a bunch of other stuff. and more lime. cis hexanol and fragrance materials like veramoss and i think i put in coumarin
its a fantasy fougere lost blend like a strain of erb youll never find again.

what is that smell.what is that nice smell. i dont know. its around, and it smells good.
yipee the fragrance ingredients arrived! im super excited to get organized and make a new perfume, or even recreate the old ones i made!!
only thing is i dont have any droppers. not enough droppers! kind of think it would be worth it to purchase a case of tiny dropper vials for diluted ingredients. for example the crystals, i got some ketones and and aldehyde (strawberry!) which lasts longer in ethanol according to the experts.
super tired today did nothing i really wanted to do so i guess receiving my perfume ingredients was the best thing that happened. even though the 8 grams of coumarin is only like 1 gram... almost forgot i need to email the vendor. also my thanks. because fast shipping on both ends. ahhhh 
oh edit
finally made a sucessful project
new serum cream lotion water
it should thicken by later
my very first non soaping dimethicone castor wax
oh i forgot to add aloe.
its also got phenoxyethanol as preservative
and sodium lactate
and i added aloe
and its ok
will find out later if it still feels kind of tacky before it dries
i want zero tackiness
i also want zero taki taki.
terrible song.
actually maybe the 3 glycerin rebatch soaps i made will be ok.  maybe.
i have so much anxiety and i have to leave in like an hour i dont know what to do.
ok my hands were lye fume burned and now they are healing before my very eyes.... #aromatherapy #lavenderwater
the soaps are all coming along
the cream picnic soap looking like a piece of cheese....
the swirl sweet man blend....great...soft feeling beveled bars
the swirl rose is kind of so great. im going to use the same rose box with a new lot number
the pinque strawberry. omg. this smell drives me to keep going. how did i make strawberry ice?
the glycerin soaps are super interesting to me right now that ive come up with a new method and recipe ratio....which i havent finalized.
got an order in- so the newest glycerin soap is purple coloured and will be scented with the smoking violets blend... the perfume that started it all.
so i know how to make soap now, you can say, i know a thing or two about soap.
hey i even came up with a new recipe with a new ingredient.
super excited to scent the soap. not sure if i should make the soap and remelt or scent now. i think the temperature will be lower in the remelt.