New world map in toronto

 Hey i spent all last night walking the satellite configuration big dipper as a stationary kinda and orions belt as the satellite to turn the water wheel? I dunno, clouds. Last night i tried to move it again so i went down the water and it spread out. Best part when i tried prior two girls greeted me at fred hamilton park ! With a light! Cos i wanted to smoke a ciggy and didnt have a lighter. Then while walking last night after spreading the configuration i saw an ever burning flame at toronto city hall!!! It was so cool and i found pockets of streets with unfinished budings and empty or sleeping houses. I had lost my 6478560420 sim card public mobile, then the locked me out of my account and im too frazzled to fix that right now. Then when i got back i got stressed but saw the website front page????? Hype!!

So in case everyones coming out of a ship or something, my.mothers name is.

Maria Victoria Godinez y Acuna (Tirona )

And is 

Jose Tomas Ubaldo Tirona

My brothers Jacques Carlo and Sean Francois

My lodestar Dominic Anello Rizzuto and Malakai (Bel?) 

and Odawg45 owen micheal john gallagher not the crazy one

And everyone else ciabel santos my cousin 

Kris santos 

Anamari godinez 

Seevee lopez WHATUP SEEVS !!! 

ALL THE bautistas !! Love you tita marilu tito pepito jenny joel jojo jerome justin.

Tita bela tirona villongco 

Tito dave villongco

Their two boys christopher and micheal  

Tita carmita tirona mangosing 

Tito jun (i saw him by brock and dundas)

Wouldnt it be so cool if everyone we knew came up to party cos we made a workd map and in toronto out of the people left outside 

Tita amelia perfecto my god. Father eduardo ubaldo tirona and thier kids anton andrew albert alie adrian 

And if they can adopt billy cos he looks like them 

Anyway i couldnt get in touch with her pic at sistering and i need to find out how to share and reupdate the new map! 

Organize the local.housing 

And update the accounts from 2004 so women are exalted instead of excommunicated 

I dont know what to do now hmm.

I have a weord housemate and the drop in where i get my mail is iffy..... im at dovercourt rd and by 14 division ive got a white plexi plastic closet on the porch in case anyone wants to meet up and update the map

I lost my celphone 647 so i gotta do that

Im.really disappointed 

Typical empty feeling after doing something i thought was super cool and exciting...falls flat onher face and people start stepping on her *sarcasm* ugh! I wish people loved me more lol yeah right i know people think i smell theyre always coming around and sniffing me. I actually hate it cos most of the time im.spazzing frkm the last guy or girl who outright disrespected me. 

I worry they wont let me see my fam 

Cos thats what theyve been doing 

Call me at +14373396559 cos im being devalued non stop and it hurts my chest that the people at sistering wont let me see if that woman is my mom.or not

And the bond place hotel tricked my dad and harassed him too 

Im just so fucking sad about it all. Ill try to get a sim card a new one and redo my 647 number in case anyones into it. 

I posted it on my trauma (shake my head in my head) cos my aromatherapyTO account got lost and everyones been devaluing me amd my mom and her mom and any woman in power and its really depressing no one cares about what we do and how we know what needs to be done based on what was told to us....even if some jerk steals it ill keep trying to find people to value and love me back. I havent had any good interactions today but i made a really very cool idsa work out for my google map, at least. Im tired and kind of depressed. Im tirsd from mapping and im tirsd of getting shit on and shut down then the only person who wants to see me is billy and im scared the cops are gonna pull me into jail and leave me there cos i did whatever i did hurt some guys feelings or whatever.... just all around sighs and threats and

Im.sick of it. Sick of being disrespected and devalued. I hope i did good jacques (the bangkero from austria) and philippe the french man who sailed arohnd the world for 25 years and my pilot friends peter fabry and maximo viola and who else ? Everyone else i love and miss all my family ! I ciuld SCREAM when i saw the map and it was rjght!!! I knew those satellites were foowing me / us 

Xoxo teary hearted, 

Nico aka mkicrattzi 



Ps wouldnt it be dope if it was actually me who contributed to putting it in place? Hype !!

Another lameo rant let me post something interesting when i get a computer / laptop for pics and links

 Well im not homeless anymore... hey i just thought of a great idea! I can start all my blog posts with "well," as if i was talking to the well i fell into. Unfortunately i didnt get rescued, i slept walked out and ever since i walked back into the house i thought i lived in ive always wanted to fall into a well again. 

You know, like wells fargo. Like, leaving ? Far away ... anyway

Go Well ! By the pet shop boys not my fave track but very applicable here with the shades and hand gestures and all.

I just wish i had a better memory and could remember more and all of the good stuff. Instead of what happened. Or I want the thing that makes it all better to hurry up already.... but in my minds eye i see my older female relatives.... and i know its misery and pain until death. Being raised as i was then add all the super abusive stuff i had to keep quiet about because i was a dumb baby kid who follows what elders told me. Ugh it makes me sick. Like actually i just want to hear about how all my elderly relatives were raised and all their family stories and how to make specialty foods and stuff like that. I was gross before though and no one actually liked me. But i was abused and paralyzed and confused etc. So in case i get the chance again, thats what ill stick to doing and wanting to experience in the family setting. All that stuff that they told me and from what i remember when i was a small child. Something bad happened. I think it was when some staff or a theif or some relative stole my dads identity and then they swarmed me and everyone i knew, mocking us, vast empty eager eyes waiting with a drooling feverish glee. Damn! Its MKICRATTZZI TIME!

Yo one time i heard some cat with the i.d. stole her work to sell her property! Yo it was the total burn!!! Not only did we get her to do stuff for us while we stole her graf name she just came up with, we stole her property she inherited and kicked her out of it! Then she got raped somemore wbile she had to stay outside all winter! Waahahah fuckin funny shes sjch a dumb cunt (high fives) yeah bro i love phtting her down it feels great *chest bumps* meanwhile im like all chipper kk have a great day! And then walk home dead inside and cry when i get to a spot where i dont feel intruded upon, even if its not true. Thats all i can look out for these days. It doesnt matter actually except that 3rd party started to invite itself into your body and murder your soul to replace it with theirs. And when its happening its super uncomfortable. Its happening to me right now actually its why im propted to write. I am intruded upon right now and i am too tired to not use the computer because i read a lot of stuff i dont know about to learn about more stuff in the world so i can have a better frame of mind. Not sure why people stopped doing this i tried not to and i can tell but ive always been more sensitive to how people make me feel, if theyre being authentic or not. Cos i hate plastic or fake i mean i can jive if its mutually funny but if the other doesnt know im being sarcastic cos its actually depressing then we can jokes all night although i wod of course rather have also back and forth exchange of ideas

I cant pick that up off anyone and i try to but most people are stuck in this anxious mode of trying to inpress by denying me my education or experience and when i give them all the awkward demand for respect they asked for i study them talking and engage and they are then i get bored immediately and sometimes it will take them a while to leave already cos its like ok how much more of this are you going to take from me and insult me wkth today? Like most people like this are incredibly boring and i feel like i should be paid as their nurse but i honestly do not want to be arou d boring dead awkward people that relish in their disrespect or even enjoy the role in their head so much that i feel left out as someone who is being polite. Lkme hello what is it about these folk surviving off watching me like a woman praying mantis would.. yeah so i do the fuckin small talk chitty chatty i fuckin hate it it makes me feel stupid and i hate how stupid and boring the people around me are. Like theyre so uninspired and unself-possessed. Although this was a feeling i had to  cultivate. Talki g pitely to them is like... i think im mainly just traumatized by talking to vapid people. i always have no idea what they were expecting. I mostly feel like im talking to someone elses grandmother who is very frail and much care needs to be raken to respect her. But actually theyre stealing your phone and signalling your calls and while youre padalyzed at how boring they are the other one is stealing your cash from your backpack while you wear it and some of your weed too then slowlyput your wallet and weed sack back. Honestly. Its like "yo why is everyone treating you like this" and all i can say is "bad breath?" and shrug. I mean how hard it is to tell someone something about them if its absolutely no, hello i didnt have a sense of smell from bacteria diseases and viruses dirt fungi and dust. Hello i think i lived through world war 2 with all the fantail explosions and heavy lead asbestos or whatever. like would you let a blind man go out with graffiti on his face like 'cock dick nazi balls' and drawings of dicks and balls all over their forehead and nazi signs on their cheeks? No. Because its not funny, its a health problem. People will laugh at him and not tell him to his face and it will cause stress and that stress will make him forget to take his medication, or he will become preoccupied with the reasons why other people are trying to exclude him from his own life and accidentally fall into an open drain or much worse, a very deep drain and his foot will catch and if only his foot was free he could have braced his fall better but he didnt and he bashed his head on some sharp object and falls back into the deep drain and oh no hes blind and cannot see and no one will help him because its noisy and most people are total shit these days and would probably rob him and kick him before running away. I hate now my brain works i need to smoke more weed.

Heres another example youre all familiar with. 


See i made mkicrattzzi as an example to me. like we all hate rats and bad breath which i incorporated in one name but also upon casual inspection and closer discussion (with me of course) the deeper meaning of mkicrattzzi emerges. its only through this indirect casuality that the gist emerges and then clarified with my understanding of the persons comprehension. This is what they steal and manufacture. A casual rape in nonchalance b flat. Ugh

I cant wait to get a new computer . I also dont want to spend mo ey and want to hunt the theives down and skin them alive. Skin them meaning like make them skins. Which is whats been done to me. Thats why j get so bottom of my stomach lurchy and uncomfortable. No matter how "safe" i am, unless i feel unemcumbered , no intrusive judgements and expectations of me submitting to my fate as some form of person to be stolen from remotely or otherwise, im fine. So guess what everyone thinks im totay crazy and always spazzing cos its totally not fine what happened to me and its suicidal inducing and against my human rights. When i get a computer i will post the pics of the aftermath of the abuse i went through(if i have any) its not like i have a hacked video and recorded voice of them literally laughing at me while scheming for more. Thats what someone else did for me. Isnt that sweet. Now if only they wod give it to me sincerely and then we ended up becoming best friends! Yeah i know im super corny. 

Anytime you wanna hire me for a concept you see, consider sending me paypal money instead! Or email money transfer. Is that safe though ugh i hate peopke stealing money from my odsp care hacking my emails and sgealing my mail etc it makes me go crazy and want to do the same thing but its not satisfying as getting ahead kr pulling a wool over....actually thats horrible and i would not take the job. Tbank yoh good night. Someones walking around outside and i am despairing for a ciggy.

Wow thats a terrible amount of typos ey. If i autoreplace while typing the keyboard makes shit up and if i leave the sughestion box its tedious to look at both all the time and then refuses to spell slang properly. 

I feel raped by some app developer. Then i want to wail and cry into my care givers nonchalant b flat while he pets me head and chokes a bit as he tearfully says its ok its ok itll get better and ill sob and say no it wont it only gets worse and then he doesnt say anything and looks away and pets my head some more and gives me a quick tighter hug and says im going to bed... where are my cigarettes?

 I really loved owen though that's why it's so hurtful for him to turn on me and join the girls and men at sistering and start making fun of me with them. They all treated me so fucking badly what the hell did I ever do to them? Give them cigs? Weed? I have always had less money than anyone I met on benefits cos the Gov thinks I'm a prostitute and that I make huge amounts of money what a crock of  shit so I'm stigmatized and shamed and ganged up on by men so that's me ineligible to use the women's centre. Go fucking figure then my so called love who I actually really liked and loved so much just used me and shit on me daily after he decided filthy homeless women who literally steal and hurt people were better company than I was and decided to help them take advantage of me despite being the stigmatized and least helped one because people think I'm rich or lying. I wish I could kill myself I would have done it soooooo very long ago I wouldn't have even come 

to canada and I would have spared myself so many decades of further abuse.

shit so because I'm stigmati

this morning i woke up sweating cos owen was on me and i woke up pissed cos about the groceries he had me pay for without letting me know beforehand he was choosing what he was going to pay for. at the till. so i had to pay27 something while he paid 17 something. then he drinks the soda he makes me pay for and eats the snacks. so i get him to give me 20 bucks this morning but not without fighting for a good 30-40 minutes. owen fighting means absolute gibberish and insults for the entire time. its like fighting with a retard or literally mentally ill person, which he called me yesterday. last night we fought too because of whatever, his idiocy. he tells me to get a job and leave the country. he also says im mentally ill then he also says he is going to tranqulize me and have me put away. this mornings argument he calls me speedy gonzales and grease lightning. he doesnt understand how racist he is. he doesnt understand much to be honest. it took me a while to realize that he literally does not understand much at all. something i can barely comprehend. its so difficult for me to understand his lack of understanding that im now in another abusive relationship. ( THIS WAS SOMETIME IN EARLY MAY)


 Among other things...LOTS OF THINGS 










 wow i hate the new dashboard interface

hate it

meanwhile everythings going the same.getting victimized stolen from and mentally raped every night by ANYONE i know in the "community" of homeless people mostly drug addicts. go figure. im exhausted my money is finished i have lost so much time

i am literally getting mentally raped daily though


once the abusers find out what i want they will manipulate situations to make sure i am DENIED and REJECTED at every turn


not only have been emotionally humiliated by megalomanic owen for 11 months straight, everyone else decides to join in and take advantage, victimize, gossip and rumour monger, bad mouth, steal from, and lets not forget everyones favorite way to victimize me: prolonged mental rape follwed by DENIED REJECTED REFUSED

 i wish i could smoke a huuuuge bowl of fentanyl and just get it over with and finally die. after all when your entire immediate family has literally tried to physically murder you with extreme violence, and all your old friends and relatives your age only gossip and mock, then anyone you met recently does the same only worse because they are strangers, whats the point? i dont have a washroom to use. i have a urinary problem. not a single day went by did owen ever consider that he needed to help me and support me with getting a place. not constantly mentally rape me. im so tired i dont know what to do. lets just hope i find that fentanyl dealer soon.

well covids been a shit show for me, it feels like everyone is playing the game of humiliate the so called whore that everyone abused. it also feels like all the men and landlords who got away with abusing me and draining me of energy and money are now super stalkers following me around making sure i feel uncomfortable and gross. then i have the so called boyfriend who loves to make me feel humiliated as if he is playing his own game of lets see what i can get away with not doing for her while i take every single thing i can get while disrespecting her true intentions and wishes. theres also the drop in camp and retail/food service troupe that thinks I’m uber wealthy specially when boyfriend hollywood look alike with in tow, for sure they will make me pay. i think its the whole she must be a prostitute look i have going on wearing these ratty ass clothes cos i don’t have a place, i have a huge closet where nothing is organized or furnished to accommodate anything else but stigmatization. or maybe its how i walk trying not to pee my pants…it must be so very seductive to people who are meant to provide me with customer service, mostly idiots in the food industry or security guards or arrogant taxi drivers. i haven’t had a day where i don’t feel like I’m being mocked and made fun of and made TO PAY must be the black people ebonics troupe “finessing the thot” oh you know how those types think- trashy. I’m exhausted. homeless for over a year now, since april 2019, not a friend in sight, everyone wants to and loves to shit on me, steal money is the prime task according to my experience. then there is the poverty entrenched boyfriend, who never has money and when he does makes a point to get scammed out of it in front of me as i tell him please don’t get scammed stay away from these people, and there he goes and hands them hundreds of dollars, that should have been for us and our living, but no he doesn’t think nor is he actually supportive. he just wants sex like everyone else and like everyone who would claim i was a whore to abuse me, won’t pay for it. isn’t that the excuse though? she must be a whore so i can feel justified in abusing her. feels familiar and the literal only thing I’ve experienced since what, since i moved to toronto? the men that i met here were ew and what have they actually done for me? destroy me my reputation steal my identity ruin my chances spend my money steal from me make fun of me mock me belittle demean and disrespect me, i could go on, but then you’d have my life story.
ah covid. thank god its over. too bad stigmatization of the finest in society has only shown it is the lowliest and dumbest, most uncultured and uncivilized, that do the stigmatizing, and the entire human race is all the worse for it.
when can i die? when are these abusers going to finally kill me? or is too much fun for everyone to watch me slowly fade away and rot on the streets? must be.. its how my fam wanted to see me go. abused. isn’t that right? what else has been denied to me? access to a washroom, thatsright, apparently everyone wants to see me pee my pants, pee on my shoes, pee in the alley, pee in the park, like a dog right? I’m just a bitch, a dirty mutt, a what? oh thats right, I’m a whore a prostitute, thats right i forgot, unworthy of respect help or support. i totally forgot, thats what everyone wanted me to be for them so they could disrespect me to no end.
been camping in the parks actually, one park, bickford park, was the worst camping pubic humiliation covid shit i ever went through. not only were the fucks using my phone as some kind of remote communication device (iphone4) but i also saw from out of town my older brother, my ex husband, and this guy i knew eons ago, all of them refusing to acknowledge i was there? like they flew in from other countries to pretend i didnt exist. NICE. really friendly. that part i noticed was midy khalon from the mindy project with her little secretary ot whatever, literally saying / repeating what i was texting on my phone out loud while she was talking to the creepy bdsm plus children in tow group of men. not only that but the entire usually empty park was completely filled with people who were mocking me and repeating everything iwas saying out loud. then of course the boyfriend wanting to have sex in the middle of all of this, its literally the only thing he wants to do when i want to do anything else. its part of the lets humiliate this so called whore and force her to have sex everytime she wants to do anything else. wow almost 9 months with this guy and where am i living? he is supposed to be helping me find a place to live because all the landlords think im a whore who isnt allowed to live anywhere. so i get this guy to help me and this is how he does it. by insulting me. imagine me, i finally have a bunch of money, my award money from being abused, and instead of renting my own place, i fuck around with a retard that looks like my ex’s and watch him drain every last ounce of my energy and all my money. he literally does nothing. im so tired i honestly hope i die today. im exhausted. im sure i wont hear the last laugh at me till i fall asleep so the day is still long.
my secret spot i told the boyfriend and all the abusers started coming around. for example today the guy keith clarke i lived in his house a few years ago it cost me money to move and before the month was over on the 24th of december, the day before chistmas, he kicks me out because i did laundry during the daytime (then he took out the drain for the dryer so my clothes were wet and i had to leave) and he claims i wasnt nice to his air bnb guest who im pretty sure totally loved talking to me to my detriment. anyway that asshole, he was right outside the entrance to msecret spot that i brought owen to. its super gross. i wont even mention what colour these people are im just saying i think they are being racist and they are now going after me like some kind of crusade. im exhausted. did i tell you how tired i am? did i mention i have a biyfriend i wish i never had? im so tired. i had one guy borrow over a hundred dollars from me and literally say to my face im not paying you back, same time so called boyfriend takes 200 dollars from me, give me 50 back and refuses to pay me back the rest. then i have hundreds of dollars missing from my account, and all the addict homeless people after me like butter on toast cos i have money i SAVE AND DO NOT SPEND but they think they are justified in taking it from me by any means necessary. its incredible how lonele intelligent people are. and lonely is how they should stay. most everyone is a god damn low i/q/ dumb ass and the loneliness you will ever feel from being smarter than your peers is nothing compared to the abuse you will go through because you wanted a friend to hang out with but unfortunately your friend is embarrassed at lack of funds and jealous at your brilliance. so it turns into you getting insulted every chance they can get. its not fun and its not worth it. people are shit, they will shit on you, they will deny you, they will try to one up you, for no reason other than the fact that they think you are better off then them, even in mere demeanour or breezy attitude. you cant relax when everyone youre paying to serve you is a jealous psycho ready to hurt you anyway they can, nevermind people you actually know. i could write an entire encyclopedia on how much abuse i went through because i thought you were supposed t stay with “people you know” oh fuck. NO never do that. the people i know were the most abusive people i came across! so i dont know what to do anymore. i guess its stop hanging out with owen and stop going to the drop ins. for example now, i found a nice quiet nook in the library and now its filled with with people literally i can smell the disgusting perfume and they are sitting right beside me stealing my energy and privacy and they stole my spot because they didnt see it, they saw me, and saw how i was enjoying myself and they wanted some of it. THEY STEAL FROM ME BECAUSE THEY ARE BLIND AND STUPID . im EXHAUSTED
wow i just ate major shit being nice to dumb fuck owen again. he is such a fuckin insult and arrogant and stupid holy fuck my intelligence is constantly insulted. he is such a fuckin failure and will never understand how stupid he is. im so insulted. im so generous to him and he does not even see and takes advantage and then insults me. wow. no wonder no one wants him around. holy fuck....... (written on may 22, 2020)

perfume ingredients for detergent soap

check this out
ever heard of client from hell a design team in toronto ? i bike by their office sometimes
 anyway i was just going on an algorhythm tip no doubt and found this
so im looking up aromatic chemicals and one of the ones presented to me, not something i searched literally was geranyl nitrile and i found on the good scents company the ifra is prohibiting this ingredient for perfume use but its being sold as a perfume ingredient. its been used on rats and rabbits when they force the animals large doses of this material until they die. so they know how toxic this ingredient is. yikes. this is the prohibiting body. so it looks like this patent for a plastic end piece for a tube packaged laundry detergent went through some revisions. perfume revisions. im not sure but have a look, its lol. client from hell you say? how bout perfume reformulations for plastic packaging specifications? axe body spray allergies causing anaphylactic shock and cant reveal formula you say?
 just for example. the material geranyl nitrile is a potential aquatic life disruptor according to the prohibiting body that tests on rats and rabbits (did they do a long term aquatic study ? i thought it sounds like its from geranium)  and according to this google patent is been used in laundry detergent since 1987...i think ... mass produced cos who has the money to patent the development of the plastic end tube packaging? wonder what laundry detergent this is? i will research the material now cos its kind of weird. im not sure what to use. obviously i wont use the rat and rabbit tested stuff if i find out. gee. let me check now. cant they test somehow in another way? i guess not. they do weird tests on humans enough as it is... oh so much to do!
the amount of scent you need to make something smell good when you whiff it from the bottle is how consumers buy things and that amount is HUGE and actually if you dilute it.... like hey ever buy a huge bottle of dish soap that your crazy bf uses up in two days ? but actually what you learned to do is dilute like a teaspoon in 2 cups of distilled water and use it for a week? i mean, wow lets just perfume the world via our kitchen and laundry sinks, only thing perfume making doesnt work that well this way. ive made so many weird combinations to know.

wow ok so this patent i found off the good scents database,,330,417.PN.&OS=PN/4,330,417&RS=PN/4,330,417 
is from 1928 the original laundry detergent and fabric softner, a fresh lemony aroma, apparently, or perfume. about .20% of the patent ingredient is used and the formula uses .10 in 1300 or something, geranyl nitrile has been used as a perfume ingredient for various household and personal products since 1928 and all the info theye could find was torturing rabbits and rats? consumer privacy and research and unknown cumulative toxicitiy there must be an easier way. i mistyped mist and imagine if the corona virus was actually some kind of mist or particle from some form of banned ingredient found out by the perfume industry. like some of these ingredients arent actually perfume ingredients, they just have a nice smell so the perfume industry has access to them. yikes. to know is half the battle but what if its just too long and what is a timeline anymore? maddening.

ok wtf
i just found this ban on the substance as a perfume ingredient for detergent
 from 2009

is this a nitrile form from geranium>????? i dont understand how this ingredient was made. why do they use geranyl as a name ? there are many geranyl ingredients that are natural isolates that are not toxic?
like as in cyanide? like nitriles are like glues, so if its a bastard of geranium that sticks around too long, it was part of a lemony aroma that lasted in laundry soap so its not necessarily lemony and if its for a freshness it sounds like geranium doesnt it. please dont make me be the one to look this shit up i just wanted to make perfume and actually yes i realize i cant sell any of the perfumes now without looking up the ingredients to some degree, specially not blends from other companies who cannot disclose their perfume ingredients? like really my day is spent stressing on where to throw the trash vs recylcing and knowing and not doing due to other things like doing this? wth?
or wth am i actually reading ugh
ok so its banned since 2009 for found toxicity to aquatic life found out from testing on animals
its been used as a laundry detergent perfume ingredient since 1980
its still being sold today
good thing i didnt buy it!! or did i??
is this ingredient used in any of the essential oil perfume blends i buy as perfume ingredients? if its a compound from a natural ingredient forced into a specific shape for its prolonged odor for rinse off products is this in the woolzies stuff that use for dryer balls ? is it considered a distillate? ugh im the rat now. honestly i feel tortured... avatars from basenotes haunt me like ebeneezer scroodge and the fairys and godmothers of tales you wished were true before you read other things not meant for children.... hand me that baby product............200 years later mutant humans with scratch and sniff areas of the body that detect diseases in their dna matches world wide but are only found under specific constraints and the battle for privacy reigns supreme!! natural deaths for the anarchists!! vegan terrorists corona virus rabbit testing isis flag plant double take in a british gay rally using shame to shun a female reporter what the actual fuuuck ?????? anyway just something to think about. i have to dig for that not actually an isis gay flag link now and link the shame post but holy hell man....

i mean wow this is just a few hours of chillin on my own using the internet and my mind, i wish i was housed like i have to go through the ads and bike around and im just so tired of traps and such. its hard gains when youre noticing specific perfume ingredients. i mean my mind is so blown and my shade spot is sunny so i have to go, before i you know, get cancer and mutate!!!!!ok i checked. its not getting cancer and mutating. its not carcinogenic to humans, its toxic to fresh water fish, like this delicious lookin bugger, lauscisus isus...say that again?

so its a no for laundry. lethal concentration for 50% of the animals, in this case this cute fresh water fish native to europe and asia waterways according to wikipedia, is LC50 - Leuciscus idus (Golden orfe) - > 22 - 44 mg/l - 96 h (msds found here so that means the fish die? in 1-96 hours of 22-44 mg in what? in the lake? you use .01% in the total fragrance concentration or less than that for the total but if its millions of people  (or even say 50,000 people using this laundry detergent for 40 years in one area) using it and all the washing machine run off goes through one area which seeps into the fresh water way a few kilometers over by underground passages and then these fish all die. wtf? cos this damn geranyl nitrile? damn! how did the fish die .... is the new why did the chicken cross the road?

omg i just should stop checking the new links as i go along

now i find ok supply chains. so this one supplier i find in the u.s. gets chems from india and china and this one indian patent is getting geranyl nitrile from essential oil  let me just keep reading this and ... does anyone want to get me lunch? i missed lunch again. ugh.
ok so it says here
"However isolation of citral from natural source such as essential oil of lemon grass may either be achieved by fractional distillation of the oil or by derivatisation such as bisulfite formation which is followed by liberation of citral by treatment with alkali solution. Lemon grass oil (Cymbopogon pendulus fam. Grahminae) contain almost 65-70% of citral which is a mixture of two stereoisomers, viz. citral a (65%) and citral b (35%) (Sharma, J.R., Lai, R.K. Mishra, H.O. and Naqvi, A., current science 197, 56, 30; and Patra, P and Dutta, P.K. Res. & Ind. 1986, 31, 358). "

so basically you can get geranyl nitrile from a natural source and it could be called a distillate of an essential oil of lemongrass, but this isolate is a known irritant to freshwater fish and soil pollutant which would seep into fish. its got a lemony fresh odor, its similar to lemonile in name/term (which i have but havent used cos its so strong and theres a note of metal in it that i find offensive to my nose even at the smallest concentration- i was nudged by pk paulkiler in basenotes to check it out at a low concentration, even in traces, so i havent tried it in formula in trace yet, but im smelling the dilution that i would use to be able to use it in trace and i already find it offensive like you somehow smell metal on your skin and you think of tetanus)

ok so now what? one ingredient ill remember not to try to use based on the ifra ban which ill trust because i havent found the fish study. and i need to go outside and ship some items. and eat something. maybe ill have some fish. i dont know anymore.....
this is all about venting and using the word fuckinit will prob go to draft
on top of all this owen is acting like a fool, an asshole, he is literally as i type telling me he doesnt believe i was abused, again, while insisting he was abused so much. he doesnt know what i just wrote on my blog. hes just another guy that i ended up with because of my maladaptive behaviour and high tolerance for abuse. abusing me. this is my entire life. it feels like these men get off on it. they literally get off on abusing me. like i rented this place? like ive rented all the places ive been in that owen asumes he is welcome to or allowed to treat me badly in? like he will just assume he owns me and all my resources while the entire time disrespecting and demeaning me, this is autism according to him? according to him being autistic is license to abuse me? i just dont understand what i did in life to deserve any of this. like my brother tried to kill me i have stitches in the back of my head? i have trauma memories of both my parents kicking my arms cos they were covering my head? i have trauma from darryl high on meth violently attacking me, punching my head as hard as he could? the police didnt arrest him but i got arrested for punching diogo who raped me ?  ? like i simply do not understand the arrogance of these men. why is this owen man still here hw is he allowed to continually harass and antagonize and abuse me and just say he has autism so its fine? how is not held accountable for these actions? he made my life so much worse and he never leaves? no one helps me? not even this man owen who was sooooo keen on telling me he loves me over and over and over again but now all he does is disrespect and demean me for his frail and failed ego ? how can i get out of it ? i cant find anyone or anywhere ? i am wishing i was dead and i wish this man was gone gone gone gone
im almost out of my award money owen finished it with his small acts of daily terrorism alongside the drooling landlord gang waiting to rape me. ill be homeless again soon enough and just after the other the next gang of drooling losers will be viciously attacking me for "free" sex and they will make me "pay" for it NO DOUBT. i get back from the fake mocking viewings they set me up to waste my day for with their phishing expeditions and i have to use the washroom but its locked cos owen was in there stinking it up. i honestly dont understand how one man can make the bathroom smell like onions and warm cat jizz. im honestly ready to die and cannot wait until i do so no more men and women can abuse and mock me. can not wait to be dead. my life has never been mine, its always been for gross people to steal from and hurt me. i have not had a good life, only in pretend, and even then, people are jealous of my facade and hurt me some more because they are uncreative. im honestly constantly abused and my privacy is always trolled. the amount of effort these creeps go through just to make fun of an abused woman is staggering.

Tori Amos - Crucify @ Montreux 1991

i swear to god there is a police officer in toronto 13 division that looks like tori amos from 1991.
so far ive gotten some stuff done and i feel better about maybe succeeding in my life. now i might be able to remake the gardenia perfume tonight. i originally thought #1 had no magnolia leaf but it turns out that #2 was just number 1 with different ratios. I originally made the perfume with really wonky ratios that made the perfume have this dirty aspect to it. As if it was a bouquet by the roadside. With the second version all I did was round off the numbers and boost some of the flowers like extra rose de mai, more ylang and more gardenia, and a little bit more jasmine. It worked very well, and my dilution ratio was lower so it was stronger. I also used less magnolan. I noticed the other day when I spilled the #2 and wore it, that two days later I could still smell the magnolan on my sweater when I rewore it. Not only does it last all day, it might last a lifetime, hence sensitivity. I was thinking of making two versions of the perfumes that are mostly botanical ingredients. For example this one has musk ketone and magnolan, which are not naturally derived so the natural version I conceive will have no synthetically derived ingredients, but that would not include naturally sourced isolates like geraniol or farnesol. I'm not sure that will sit well with the purists though, so I also conceive I will have (finally) actual bona fide aromatherapy blends. In the future when I'm all better and on my own for a while with no external aggressors, I am positive I will be enjoying my product making once again, and I can't wait to share my joy with you.

ok so i resmelled the gardenia perfume #3 and its too much myraldyl acetate. like way too much. it took forever to mix in and i used it too fast., i think: i have this idea but its just asking someone who knows how this works: for the myraldyl of givaudan.

its too sweet and shimmery and top its almost like a holy ghost but its too much and it turned into a veil for the all the essential oils
maybe i can try it at like 10% or less, in trace, and prepepared, i used .01 part in the formula so its too high.

for the homey may rose or what did i call it violet may
honey may
the first one had the #17 then the second one i made #17.2 then the 3rd one i effd up and used a peppermint bottle top cos lame and i changed the top but not before i noticed a slight change in the smell of the rose and i thought i was imagining things from the basenotes forum. it was the largest amount i made of the violet may trials, 30 ml perfume at 25% concentration, i used the last of my sandalwood so id go get more, its got more chamomille, it has no sandalore and ebanol (the sandalwood eo replaced these) i didnt use the violet accord from perfumers apprentice, used a higher amount of the #17.2 (now just #17) and its a lot of fun and  playing a game with your memory and making  mixtures you can name and use in another thing in the future, its very cool and fun. also science and science kit at home. cos confinement and corona virus.
so now im back and i ate some kind of food i made from things i found in the valley of death that the most recent caveman dragged me into.
it was ... ok. i hope.
the caveman is obsessively pounding away at a rock hoping to break it open and use the inside part as a shield from the female horse that attacks him while he gathers berries for his tea.
he thinks the inside part of a rock is soft like an egg but can be molded like wet sand that will dry into a new rock. i want to rest but he is singing the songs from the last time he had exchanges and they are boring songs about street gangs and sucking things and in funny high pitched voices that makes them sound like they sucked up some helium before they recorded the song. my head is weary and tired of waiting for the caveman to leave for a few days expedition so that i can leave without leaving anything else behind but i doubt he will leave for longer than an hour at a time. tonight i thought of making the potion i learned from reading the cave walls by the flowers and plant enclave but caveman with his insistent display of rock pounding and terrible song listening makes it difficult to concentrate. i left some food for caveman so he stops his rock pounding but i dont like to waste food like he does. he makes a show of wasting because he wants me to know he is wasting me.
later on the food is cold and uneaten and caveman offers me some a veal steak he wants to prepare, but since i say no, he eats a pie he bought from the grocery instead.
they stole my identity my friends my family they stole my art work my contact list my computer back up hard drives they stole my pictures my business model they stole money from my wallet they stole my artisan products they stole my lifestyle they stole my life. until i die this is what will happen to me. this is what happened to the world. to people like me.
today i will try to remake the gardenia perfume #1 and #2. #2 is the one that smells like magnolia because i added michelia alba leaf. but according to another vendor the same name oil is the flower absolute. so im confused. i cant believe its the flower cos its super affordable. but i also found a vendor selling huge vats of oils in the 5 kg range selling these absolutes and sandalwoods for 50-70 for 50 ml. so im confused as to whats fake. retail, obviously. i would know. sometimes i used to buy the most amazing well made thing for less than a dollar, a component of jewelry making, the raw material, so valuable and useless on its own,  found in a dusty ebay shop, then i make the necklace and sell it for $90 and then that compenent wasnt so cheap after all.
owen just asked me if i wanted a foot massage... while im doing that. hes sweet. this is why i hate him so much. we just fought. lol / not lol. and yes i would love a foot massage.

an hour later... woops spoke too soon! i made french toast for owen and i and told him it was ready so of course he ignores me and tells me he is "busy" drawing (scribbling. his drawings are sketches and he does not keep them)  so i offer it again and he refuses and puts it beside him and i of course am again, insulted by his bravado. constantly acting tough but never when i need him to defend me against a man attacking me. ... because he is the man attacking me. anyway long story short he gets mad that i tell him i dont want to feed him anymore and take the plate back and he fights me so fucking hard and loses because he scrambles and gets *my* phone and CALLS THE POLICE because i didnt want to feed him anymore after he disrespects me with his acting the part of being a strong man who is "busy" so again my mood is ruined and again i wish i never met him, i wish his friends and his family would take him back like i pleaded. but no. of course, its easier for them to dump him off with me. an immigrant woman from the 3rd world recovering from lifelong abuse and recent targeted evictions from aggressive gang landlords. nice. apparently i deserve being made an abused unpaid caregiver for an autistic man who is actually manipulative and sociopathic. match made in heaven apparently. based on how people treat and have treated me, im the worst person in the entire universe! i deserve insults by retards and the police. for wanting to share a hot breakfast i prepared. apparently i deserve daily put downs and bickering insults and the police. the fucking police for taking back an unwanted french toast. for simply existing as the woman i am.

i wish someone i knew from before would just like call me up or come pick me up and get me away from these men. they come after one after another in rapid succession. theyre all abusive and they all seem like actors playing a part to abuse me. i dont know how to make them stop or go away.

aaaand now its 1 pm the police left about 30 mins ago i missed a delivery and havent gotten anything done. meanwhile owen is scribbling and acting like as if he is in deep thought, inspecting some martial arts hardcover while sketching, facing my work table. so if i sit down on my work table, owen is literally watching over me while acting as if he did nothing wrong.

i just want to have a safe place to live and creative and intelligent people around me. its too much to ask, i know. that said i would settle for a room and no guy sticking on me telling me he loves me while performing unloving just feeling kind of sick now and very uncomfortable. i need to come up with an exit plan.. . . .

but first, now that its 3 p.m. and owen made sure i did not get my medication all day after abusing me, i have to go to the dispensary.
oh but also i have to go to the storage and find a lightswitch plate cover i sold on etsy. my sales covered my unpaid fees so i get $4.26 for this sale. plus going to storage. and then shipping it.  its my fault for wanting to keep my business active while a gang of men come at me one at a time trying to destroy everything ive built up for myself.
i didnt end up doing anything today except getting made to pay for owens groceries. lame. i wish i was alone and never met the guy. i can say that about every guy i ever met. then he pays me back and buys more crap. when he runs out of money in a few days guess who he will be stressing on? and then i smoked all the lp weed today. it was ok. better than the black crap weed. ran out of the good stuff and smoked a doob of the fake sativa again and i just felt sleepy and sluggish all day. i associate the feeling of being cheated my monthy weed medication and given the shittest weed ive ever smoked, with the drivers that have delivered it to me weed. Ew. all of them are super ew. I feel like a slug and hope to get some proper sativa with no cbd or afghani or fakeness or whatever it is the black crap sell. there is so much to do but i am still not housed because owen. he will make excuses but thats what people like him do. im so tired. so tired. i wish i was stronger. do you know how many times men made me move this year just for existing as a female? do you know? THREE TIMES its only May. Three times MEN have FORCED THEIR EGO on me, making me move my belongings and rearrange my life FOR THEIR EGO. its a miracle im still alive today..... and not dead from suicide. do you know how difficult it is for me to exist as a woman? NO. you do not. unless youre like me, and ill need proof.

*new* just remade a tiny batch of another new reformulation of the honey may perfume. i removed the violet accord from p.a. that was in the original in trace amounts and adjusted everything else so its so much more. this new formula has all my sandalwood though so im out of it now...! want to get more. i was thinking of getting a new variety. but then if i want to remake this, it will smell different! im using santalum album...!

Rare Canadian (Quebecois) Essential Oils Goldenrod, Fern, Firs......

last night i found another distiller from quebec this one is golden! as in GOLDENROD ESSENTIAL OIL AND FERN ESSENTIAL OIL can you imagine how many damn fronds you would need to collect to make fern essential oil?? I am a little annoyed that I found them because now I *NEED* to smell these things. Damn.

Now don't say I never helped you.

Please buy responsibly and ethically!
Do not resell these on etsy for $36 per .5ml like that lame violet glass person in the states.  She does NO FARMING whatsoever and simply does not deserve that money.she cant even edit her copy its all wrong spelling and bad grammar.  for all i know she bought it off those girls in cali. actually they have some pretty rare stuff.... but after i get the fern and decide which goldenrod to get i wont buy every zest either because instead i'll be working on remaking the gardenia perfume (magnolia) and the violet may rose (honey may) or maybe honey rose. how can i describe this delicious floral honey nectar of the goddesses we believe exist? made the formula twice, both were 100% love. some of the ingredients are roman chamomille (this is the only therapeutic oil in the blend) honeysuckle absolute, rose de mai, reseda absolute, mimosa absolute (accacia dealbata aka wattle) sandalwood (santal album) this is the commercial grade oil, which i find very good!! (no idea on the expensive grades actually) labdanum absolute... ok i could go on but these are the heavy hitters... this isnt a botanical perfume as it has some aromatic chemicals and actually i think i need to change the magnolan but with what???? i think im allergic to it is why. i need to finalize the dosage of magnolan since i am very skinsensitive. i love the stuff though and every perfume i made last year had the damn stuff in it.... all day long baby!