oh hey of course i forgot what i was going to do on the phone. i hate using the phone to write and read. it has made my eyesight so bad in the past year. i miss my laptop and all m clothes and my stuff thats been stolen by stalkers. so much. almost everything that i bought and anything of sentimental value. being targetted by theives and emotional rapists isnt easy or deserved by me but whats a nice and creative beautiful soul like mine to do? being vigilant about anything is mentally draining enough. oh yeah i was going to get a dead bold and an external padlock for my door because i think it was the landlord parents that stole more items from my room, namely  2 wooden dice and a decathalon shopping / foldable backpack from the top shelf of my organizing shelf by the door. i assume (could be wrong) that they stole it during the fire inspection alarm where they again entered without a notice and then proceeded to enter my room twice without my consent or knowledge while i was in the house in their precense. they are baffoonish ghouls who only damage their tenants peaceful enjoyment as well as the trust that should come inherent with the lease. hm what
 a nice bitchfest this post is. i have two esl old people bullying and gaslighting me for whatever evil ends they adhere to, their son who insults me so frequently, other tenants who force me to clean up after them in the bathroom-they dont even close the toilet lid when they flush, and a soggy house with pest issues and ahuge lack of structural maintenance all for an excessive price of $750 per month, lsaving me with a little over $300 for the entire rest of the month, then the phones $56, smokes and vape, weed, and food. and the spoiled rotten ex leach who would steal anything he saw fit mainly lighters bud and any clothes that fit only to watch him throw them away or never return them, oh yeah and another thing thia guy did was i gave him  my dead stock for his girl fam to choose what they wanted and to return the rest but he never returned anything and was wearing one of the necklaces at one point. i broke up woth him because he is a beligerant asswipe who was so self absorbed and malicious, it simply was more unsafe having him around. its tiring being so unlove by the people in your proximity. imagine every person you come across silently hating you and behind your back, back stabbing you, talking badly about you, making fun of you etc, yup thats
the only life i know


 man whittling down my ocs order is a problem i wish i didnt have. this is a great time to try the classics and hybrids that they have up. the basics afghani and hindu kush, diesel, pink kush, rockstar, 24 gold (one of my fave oranges along with acapulco), uk cheese, grapefruit x gorilla glue 4, chem og, mazar i sherif (or is it just mazer?), pink grapefruit haze (yes!) they got a jack on wholesale, and i want to try the white shark, subway scientist (this was too expenive when i first saw it in the green room on spadina), theres also a durga mata, alien dawg, something called orange apricot, and the lemons for sure, a lemon dory, lemon z, and a lemon skunk...as im still on the search for that excellent ohio "lemon" i was blessed to try once. they even have a kali mist now but how will any ever compare to the one i got from mark with a van damn that kali mist was pure driven snow fluffy and sweetly floral that filled that night at kensingtons white rooms almost steamy gathering for basils performance of repeatedly crashing into a wall until he broke through, and the flavour was anything but burnt so i passed on adding it to my ridicuously over full bag but if there was one or two grams of each i would try them all, better yet no limit and i didnt have to pay rent..... meanwhile fuckin hell again it feels like fake film background collection of the third party privacy invasion and theft need investigation into the reasons why nicole is crying HARASSMENT!!!!!!!!!!! hence the ocs order.... fantasy order...??? i havvent whittled at all nor even gone through th entire menu. jeez! better thing to do right now would be repainting my badly painted toe nail? going on a bike ride to take my medication?/ i got diagnosed add but i think im more hyper cos its moody based on trauma memories and company for inspiration for maintaining a creative and mobile space as in mobile in the sense that you can use it with ease and are comfortable your work is safe there. my quilted stolen pouches fom the davenport shelter and sistering? fucking hate that and how they stole prfumes someone ordered online and put them in my tent again hile i was sleping in my tent later that day? ugh just gross and very uncomfortable two years of for dd homelessness and stigmatization because of my lifestyle choices and landlords perceptions of what is morally good or congruent with their lifestyle and survival behaviours and outward social expressions, like honsstly gfy right? anyway i might try the ...oh fuck it i dont know what to try out from the ocs. someone offered blue dream haze but i dont like the sleepy ones cos i like to have done many things throughout the day so i feel personally accomplished toward my life goals. unfortunally when i smoke a sleepy weed i feel like i dont want to do organizing and cleaning so i dont get to use my small expensive room (the landlords bullied and bossed me around into letting them take my stuff i hadnt moved in yet and put it in the garden and other indoor  closet. the next day it rained for two days and i dispared) so i should go take my add meds but because some witch decideed theyre the patients executive function, i have to take the capsuls open, just balls, which is gag inducing me into a further stigmatized hell then i cant get ready because my room seems too messy. sighing also im super hungry and theres nothing but plain rice and capers and tuna. should i eat that? i dont know. i guess ill smoke another joint and see. its  alled algonquin park and im not sure of its genetics but i like its lighter fluffy leaf structured flowers as opposed to the denser more purply ones. 

 So hungry but I'm not sure if there's money I can use right now. And I feel anxious cos I felt creeper on earlier. Ugh I'm so hungry. I guess I'll make something but I don't feel well and not because of me.

Jose Maria Ruiz : New Amazing Fabric and Leather

 Incredible let me get settled to post what I found (2014) in a box last summer...might be 2


 I'm trapped stuck in my room.cos kuns mom is here demanding rent in broken English and that she should be kun and email the money right away and do not continue making food. What the fuck first of all lady the place a goddamn soggy rat ass dumpster WITHOUT my stuff that KEEPS GETTING STOLEN then the illegal manner of conducting home duties versus house arrears as a reflection of the standard of the monetary cost of rent, the literal rent, and her demanding me to pay her mortgage : that's an illegal entry after not being able to attend to Rosen internet or shared sanitation or managing recycling for the black kid and the other guy like everything to them is trash they have an idea of elves being totally OK with manuay sorting that .

 For them

Fuckin kill me already so I'm just stuck in here my wallet and keys are 100% nowhere to be found as usual when dealing with this group of particular men who are not done with using me somehow ugh its not possible to live anywhere for me the life of no hold ups and home invasions and theft under

I'd prefer to find out how to alchemy or simple joys of appreciating the possibly of getting away from.this guy whos been trying to pin me down to murder me finally feels like

Camh imprisoned me after cops violated and assaulted me and while interned they strapped me to the bed and put me in isolation rooms that were clinical and bare and they didn't give me change of clothes because THESE ROOMMATE HOUSEMATE PROXIES WHATEBER HANSEN CALLS HIS ALTERS HIS TROLLS OR WHATEVER ELSE EX DEPRAVED VIOLENT THEVIES COME RIGHT IN AND RIP MY SHIT RIGHT UP TO SHREDS and I got to still keep giving or I get beaten up by the ugliest and most bossy arrogant fuckin weird ass men I hate my life and how many times these people steal into my stuff and mess it up again and return shit and pretend they're not doing anything creep ass or crazy making. And I have to survive this???????? Its call suicide then they use your persona to death beating it up daily like a dead exhausted sweaty sinewey smelly old horse. Coughing and starving still unwell recovery has not been able to start still. Would like tourder anyone remotely involved in swaying circumstances that were created as opposed to occurred.

New world map in toronto

 Hey i spent all last night walking the satellite configuration big dipper as a stationary kinda and orions belt as the satellite to turn the water wheel? I dunno, clouds. Last night i tried to move it again so i went down the water and it spread out. Best part when i tried prior two girls greeted me at fred hamilton park ! With a light! Cos i wanted to smoke a ciggy and didnt have a lighter. Then while walking last night after spreading the configuration i saw an ever burning flame at toronto city hall!!! It was so cool and i found pockets of streets with unfinished budings and empty or sleeping houses. I had lost my 6478560420 sim card public mobile, then the locked me out of my account and im too frazzled to fix that right now. Then when i got back i got stressed but saw my.mom.on the sistering.org website front page????? Hype!!

So in case everyones coming out of a ship or something, my.mothers name is.

Maria Victoria Godinez y Acuna (Tirona )

And my.dad is 

Jose Tomas Ubaldo Tirona

My brothers Jacques Carlo and Sean Francois

My lodestar Dominic Anello Rizzuto and Malakai (Bel?) 

and Odawg45 owen micheal john gallagher not the crazy one

And everyone else ciabel santos my cousin 

Kris santos 

Anamari godinez 

Seevee lopez WHATUP SEEVS !!! 

ALL THE bautistas !! Love you tita marilu tito pepito jenny joel jojo jerome justin.

Tita bela tirona villongco 

Tito dave villongco

Their two boys christopher and micheal  

Tita carmita tirona mangosing 

Tito jun (i saw him by brock and dundas)

Wouldnt it be so cool if everyone we knew came up to party cos we made a workd map and in toronto out of the people left outside 

Tita amelia perfecto my god. Father eduardo ubaldo tirona and thier kids anton andrew albert alie adrian 

And if they can adopt billy cos he looks like them 

Anyway i couldnt get in touch with my.mom.saw her pic at sistering and i need to find out how to share and reupdate the new map! 

Organize the local.housing 

And update the accounts from 2004 so women are exalted instead of excommunicated 

I dont know what to do now hmm.

I have a weord housemate and the drop in where i get my mail is iffy..... im at dovercourt rd and by 14 division ive got a white plexi plastic closet on the porch in case anyone wants to meet up and update the map

I lost my celphone 647 so i gotta do that

Im.really disappointed 

Typical empty feeling after doing something i thought was super cool and exciting...falls flat onher face and people start stepping on her *sarcasm* ugh! I wish people loved me more lol yeah right i know people think i smell theyre always coming around and sniffing me. I actually hate it cos most of the time im.spazzing frkm the last guy or girl who outright disrespected me. 

I worry they wont let me see my fam 

Cos thats what theyve been doing 

Call me at +14373396559 cos im being devalued non stop and it hurts my chest that the people at sistering wont let me see if that woman is my mom.or not

And the bond place hotel tricked my dad and harassed him too 

Im just so fucking sad about it all. Ill try to get a sim card a new one and redo my 647 number in case anyones into it. 

I posted it on my trauma twitter.com/smhimh (shake my head in my head) cos my aromatherapyTO account got lost and everyones been devaluing me amd my mom and her mom and any woman in power and its really depressing no one cares about what we do and how we know what needs to be done based on what was told to us....even if some jerk steals it ill keep trying to find people to value and love me back. I havent had any good interactions today but i made a really very cool idsa work out for my google map, at least. Im tired and kind of depressed. Im tirsd from mapping and im tirsd of getting shit on and shut down then the only person who wants to see me is billy and im scared the cops are gonna pull me into jail and leave me there cos i did whatever i did hurt some guys feelings or whatever.... just all around sighs and threats and

Im.sick of it. Sick of being disrespected and devalued. I hope i did good jacques (the bangkero from austria) and philippe the french man who sailed arohnd the world for 25 years and my pilot friends peter fabry and maximo viola and who else ? Everyone else i love and miss all my family ! I ciuld SCREAM when i saw the map and it was rjght!!! I knew those satellites were foowing me / us 

Xoxo teary hearted, 

Nico aka mkicrattzi 



Ps wouldnt it be dope if it was actually me who contributed to putting it in place? Hype !!

Another lameo rant let me post something interesting when i get a computer / laptop for pics and links

 Well im not homeless anymore... hey i just thought of a great idea! I can start all my blog posts with "well," as if i was talking to the well i fell into. Unfortunately i didnt get rescued, i slept walked out and ever since i walked back into the house i thought i lived in ive always wanted to fall into a well again. 

You know, like wells fargo. Like, leaving ? Far away ... anyway

Go Well ! By the pet shop boys not my fave track but very applicable here with the shades and hand gestures and all.

I just wish i had a better memory and could remember more and all of the good stuff. Instead of what happened. Or I want the thing that makes it all better to hurry up already.... but in my minds eye i see my older female relatives.... and i know its misery and pain until death. Being raised as i was then add all the super abusive stuff i had to keep quiet about because i was a dumb baby kid who follows what elders told me. Ugh it makes me sick. Like actually i just want to hear about how all my elderly relatives were raised and all their family stories and how to make specialty foods and stuff like that. I was gross before though and no one actually liked me. But i was abused and paralyzed and confused etc. So in case i get the chance again, thats what ill stick to doing and wanting to experience in the family setting. All that stuff that they told me and from what i remember when i was a small child. Something bad happened. I think it was when some staff or a theif or some relative stole my dads identity and then they swarmed me and everyone i knew, mocking us, vast empty eager eyes waiting with a drooling feverish glee. Damn! Its MKICRATTZZI TIME!

Yo one time i heard some cat with the i.d. stole her work to sell her property! Yo it was the total burn!!! Not only did we get her to do stuff for us while we stole her graf name she just came up with, we stole her property she inherited and kicked her out of it! Then she got raped somemore wbile she had to stay outside all winter! Waahahah fuckin funny shes sjch a dumb cunt (high fives) yeah bro i love phtting her down it feels great *chest bumps* meanwhile im like all chipper kk have a great day! And then walk home dead inside and cry when i get to a spot where i dont feel intruded upon, even if its not true. Thats all i can look out for these days. It doesnt matter actually except that 3rd party started to invite itself into your body and murder your soul to replace it with theirs. And when its happening its super uncomfortable. Its happening to me right now actually its why im propted to write. I am intruded upon right now and i am too tired to not use the computer because i read a lot of stuff i dont know about to learn about more stuff in the world so i can have a better frame of mind. Not sure why people stopped doing this i tried not to and i can tell but ive always been more sensitive to how people make me feel, if theyre being authentic or not. Cos i hate plastic or fake i mean i can jive if its mutually funny but if the other doesnt know im being sarcastic cos its actually depressing then we can jokes all night although i wod of course rather have also back and forth exchange of ideas

I cant pick that up off anyone and i try to but most people are stuck in this anxious mode of trying to inpress by denying me my education or experience and when i give them all the awkward demand for respect they asked for i study them talking and engage and they are then i get bored immediately and sometimes it will take them a while to leave already cos its like ok how much more of this are you going to take from me and insult me wkth today? Like most people like this are incredibly boring and i feel like i should be paid as their nurse but i honestly do not want to be arou d boring dead awkward people that relish in their disrespect or even enjoy the role in their head so much that i feel left out as someone who is being polite. Lkme hello what is it about these folk surviving off watching me like a woman praying mantis would.. yeah so i do the fuckin small talk chitty chatty i fuckin hate it it makes me feel stupid and i hate how stupid and boring the people around me are. Like theyre so uninspired and unself-possessed. Although this was a feeling i had to  cultivate. Talki g pitely to them is like... i think im mainly just traumatized by talking to vapid people. i always have no idea what they were expecting. I mostly feel like im talking to someone elses grandmother who is very frail and much care needs to be raken to respect her. But actually theyre stealing your phone and signalling your calls and while youre padalyzed at how boring they are the other one is stealing your cash from your backpack while you wear it and some of your weed too then slowlyput your wallet and weed sack back. Honestly. Its like "yo why is everyone treating you like this" and all i can say is "bad breath?" and shrug. I mean how hard it is to tell someone something about them if its absolutely no, hello i didnt have a sense of smell from bacteria diseases and viruses dirt fungi and dust. Hello i think i lived through world war 2 with all the fantail explosions and heavy lead asbestos or whatever. like would you let a blind man go out with graffiti on his face like 'cock dick nazi balls' and drawings of dicks and balls all over their forehead and nazi signs on their cheeks? No. Because its not funny, its a health problem. People will laugh at him and not tell him to his face and it will cause stress and that stress will make him forget to take his medication, or he will become preoccupied with the reasons why other people are trying to exclude him from his own life and accidentally fall into an open drain or much worse, a very deep drain and his foot will catch and if only his foot was free he could have braced his fall better but he didnt and he bashed his head on some sharp object and falls back into the deep drain and oh no hes blind and cannot see and no one will help him because its noisy and most people are total shit these days and would probably rob him and kick him before running away. I hate now my brain works i need to smoke more weed.

Heres another example youre all familiar with. 


See i made mkicrattzzi as an example to me. like we all hate rats and bad breath which i incorporated in one name but also upon casual inspection and closer discussion (with me of course) the deeper meaning of mkicrattzzi emerges. its only through this indirect casuality that the gist emerges and then clarified with my understanding of the persons comprehension. This is what they steal and manufacture. A casual rape in nonchalance b flat. Ugh

I cant wait to get a new computer . I also dont want to spend mo ey and want to hunt the theives down and skin them alive. Skin them meaning like make them skins. Which is whats been done to me. Thats why j get so bottom of my stomach lurchy and uncomfortable. No matter how "safe" i am, unless i feel unemcumbered , no intrusive judgements and expectations of me submitting to my fate as some form of person to be stolen from remotely or otherwise, im fine. So guess what everyone thinks im totay crazy and always spazzing cos its totally not fine what happened to me and its suicidal inducing and against my human rights. When i get a computer i will post the pics of the aftermath of the abuse i went through(if i have any) its not like i have a hacked video and recorded voice of them literally laughing at me while scheming for more. Thats what someone else did for me. Isnt that sweet. Now if only they wod give it to me sincerely and then we ended up becoming best friends! Yeah i know im super corny. 

Anytime you wanna hire me for a concept you see, consider sending me paypal money instead! Or email money transfer. Is that safe though ugh i hate peopke stealing money from my odsp care hacking my emails and sgealing my mail etc it makes me go crazy and want to do the same thing but its not satisfying as getting ahead kr pulling a wool over....actually thats horrible and i would not take the job. Tbank yoh good night. Someones walking around outside and i am despairing for a ciggy.

Wow thats a terrible amount of typos ey. If i autoreplace while typing the keyboard makes shit up and if i leave the sughestion box its tedious to look at both all the time and then refuses to spell slang properly. 

I feel raped by some app developer. Then i want to wail and cry into my care givers nonchalant b flat while he pets me head and chokes a bit as he tearfully says its ok its ok itll get better and ill sob and say no it wont it only gets worse and then he doesnt say anything and looks away and pets my head some more and gives me a quick tighter hug and says im going to bed... where are my cigarettes?

 I really loved owen though that's why it's so hurtful for him to turn on me and join the girls and men at sistering and start making fun of me with them. They all treated me so fucking badly what the hell did I ever do to them? Give them cigs? Weed? I have always had less money than anyone I met on benefits cos the Gov thinks I'm a prostitute and that I make huge amounts of money what a crock of  shit so I'm stigmatized and shamed and ganged up on by men so that's me ineligible to use the women's centre. Go fucking figure then my so called love who I actually really liked and loved so much just used me and shit on me daily after he decided filthy homeless women who literally steal and hurt people were better company than I was and decided to help them take advantage of me despite being the stigmatized and least helped one because people think I'm rich or lying. I wish I could kill myself I would have done it soooooo very long ago I wouldn't have even come 

to canada and I would have spared myself so many decades of further abuse.

shit so because I'm stigmati

this morning i woke up sweating cos owen was on me and i woke up pissed cos about the groceries he had me pay for without letting me know beforehand he was choosing what he was going to pay for. at the till. so i had to pay27 something while he paid 17 something. then he drinks the soda he makes me pay for and eats the snacks. so i get him to give me 20 bucks this morning but not without fighting for a good 30-40 minutes. owen fighting means absolute gibberish and insults for the entire time. its like fighting with a retard or literally mentally ill person, which he called me yesterday. last night we fought too because of whatever, his idiocy. he tells me to get a job and leave the country. he also says im mentally ill then he also says he is going to tranqulize me and have me put away. this mornings argument he calls me speedy gonzales and grease lightning. he doesnt understand how racist he is. he doesnt understand much to be honest. it took me a while to realize that he literally does not understand much at all. something i can barely comprehend. its so difficult for me to understand his lack of understanding that im now in another abusive relationship. ( THIS WAS SOMETIME IN EARLY MAY)


 Among other things...LOTS OF THINGS 










 wow i hate the new dashboard interface

hate it

meanwhile everythings going the same.getting victimized stolen from and mentally raped every night by ANYONE i know in the "community" of homeless people mostly drug addicts. go figure. im exhausted my money is finished i have lost so much time

i am literally getting mentally raped daily though


once the abusers find out what i want they will manipulate situations to make sure i am DENIED and REJECTED at every turn


not only have been emotionally humiliated by megalomanic owen for 11 months straight, everyone else decides to join in and take advantage, victimize, gossip and rumour monger, bad mouth, steal from, and lets not forget everyones favorite way to victimize me: prolonged mental rape follwed by DENIED REJECTED REFUSED

 i wish i could smoke a huuuuge bowl of fentanyl and just get it over with and finally die. after all when your entire immediate family has literally tried to physically murder you with extreme violence, and all your old friends and relatives your age only gossip and mock, then anyone you met recently does the same only worse because they are strangers, whats the point? i dont have a washroom to use. i have a urinary problem. not a single day went by did owen ever consider that he needed to help me and support me with getting a place. not constantly mentally rape me. im so tired i dont know what to do. lets just hope i find that fentanyl dealer soon.

well covids been a shit show for me, it feels like everyone is playing the game of humiliate the so called whore that everyone abused. it also feels like all the men and landlords who got away with abusing me and draining me of energy and money are now super stalkers following me around making sure i feel uncomfortable and gross. then i have the so called boyfriend who loves to make me feel humiliated as if he is playing his own game of lets see what i can get away with not doing for her while i take every single thing i can get while disrespecting her true intentions and wishes. theres also the drop in camp and retail/food service troupe that thinks I’m uber wealthy specially when boyfriend hollywood look alike with in tow, for sure they will make me pay. i think its the whole she must be a prostitute look i have going on wearing these ratty ass clothes cos i don’t have a place, i have a huge closet where nothing is organized or furnished to accommodate anything else but stigmatization. or maybe its how i walk trying not to pee my pants…it must be so very seductive to people who are meant to provide me with customer service, mostly idiots in the food industry or security guards or arrogant taxi drivers. i haven’t had a day where i don’t feel like I’m being mocked and made fun of and made TO PAY must be the black people ebonics troupe “finessing the thot” oh you know how those types think- trashy. I’m exhausted. homeless for over a year now, since april 2019, not a friend in sight, everyone wants to and loves to shit on me, steal money is the prime task according to my experience. then there is the poverty entrenched boyfriend, who never has money and when he does makes a point to get scammed out of it in front of me as i tell him please don’t get scammed stay away from these people, and there he goes and hands them hundreds of dollars, that should have been for us and our living, but no he doesn’t think nor is he actually supportive. he just wants sex like everyone else and like everyone who would claim i was a whore to abuse me, won’t pay for it. isn’t that the excuse though? she must be a whore so i can feel justified in abusing her. feels familiar and the literal only thing I’ve experienced since what, since i moved to toronto? the men that i met here were ew and what have they actually done for me? destroy me my reputation steal my identity ruin my chances spend my money steal from me make fun of me mock me belittle demean and disrespect me, i could go on, but then you’d have my life story.
ah covid. thank god its over. too bad stigmatization of the finest in society has only shown it is the lowliest and dumbest, most uncultured and uncivilized, that do the stigmatizing, and the entire human race is all the worse for it.
when can i die? when are these abusers going to finally kill me? or is too much fun for everyone to watch me slowly fade away and rot on the streets? must be.. its how my fam wanted to see me go. abused. isn’t that right? what else has been denied to me? access to a washroom, thatsright, apparently everyone wants to see me pee my pants, pee on my shoes, pee in the alley, pee in the park, like a dog right? I’m just a bitch, a dirty mutt, a what? oh thats right, I’m a whore a prostitute, thats right i forgot, unworthy of respect help or support. i totally forgot, thats what everyone wanted me to be for them so they could disrespect me to no end.
been camping in the parks actually, one park, bickford park, was the worst camping pubic humiliation covid shit i ever went through. not only were the fucks using my phone as some kind of remote communication device (iphone4) but i also saw from out of town my older brother, my ex husband, and this guy i knew eons ago, all of them refusing to acknowledge i was there? like they flew in from other countries to pretend i didnt exist. NICE. really friendly. that part i noticed was midy khalon from the mindy project with her little secretary ot whatever, literally saying / repeating what i was texting on my phone out loud while she was talking to the creepy bdsm plus children in tow group of men. not only that but the entire usually empty park was completely filled with people who were mocking me and repeating everything iwas saying out loud. then of course the boyfriend wanting to have sex in the middle of all of this, its literally the only thing he wants to do when i want to do anything else. its part of the lets humiliate this so called whore and force her to have sex everytime she wants to do anything else. wow almost 9 months with this guy and where am i living? he is supposed to be helping me find a place to live because all the landlords think im a whore who isnt allowed to live anywhere. so i get this guy to help me and this is how he does it. by insulting me. imagine me, i finally have a bunch of money, my award money from being abused, and instead of renting my own place, i fuck around with a retard that looks like my ex’s and watch him drain every last ounce of my energy and all my money. he literally does nothing. im so tired i honestly hope i die today. im exhausted. im sure i wont hear the last laugh at me till i fall asleep so the day is still long.
my secret spot i told the boyfriend and all the abusers started coming around. for example today the guy keith clarke i lived in his house a few years ago it cost me money to move and before the month was over on the 24th of december, the day before chistmas, he kicks me out because i did laundry during the daytime (then he took out the drain for the dryer so my clothes were wet and i had to leave) and he claims i wasnt nice to his air bnb guest who im pretty sure totally loved talking to me to my detriment. anyway that asshole, he was right outside the entrance to msecret spot that i brought owen to. its super gross. i wont even mention what colour these people are im just saying i think they are being racist and they are now going after me like some kind of crusade. im exhausted. did i tell you how tired i am? did i mention i have a biyfriend i wish i never had? im so tired. i had one guy borrow over a hundred dollars from me and literally say to my face im not paying you back, same time so called boyfriend takes 200 dollars from me, give me 50 back and refuses to pay me back the rest. then i have hundreds of dollars missing from my account, and all the addict homeless people after me like butter on toast cos i have money i SAVE AND DO NOT SPEND but they think they are justified in taking it from me by any means necessary. its incredible how lonele intelligent people are. and lonely is how they should stay. most everyone is a god damn low i/q/ dumb ass and the loneliness you will ever feel from being smarter than your peers is nothing compared to the abuse you will go through because you wanted a friend to hang out with but unfortunately your friend is embarrassed at lack of funds and jealous at your brilliance. so it turns into you getting insulted every chance they can get. its not fun and its not worth it. people are shit, they will shit on you, they will deny you, they will try to one up you, for no reason other than the fact that they think you are better off then them, even in mere demeanour or breezy attitude. you cant relax when everyone youre paying to serve you is a jealous psycho ready to hurt you anyway they can, nevermind people you actually know. i could write an entire encyclopedia on how much abuse i went through because i thought you were supposed t stay with “people you know” oh fuck. NO never do that. the people i know were the most abusive people i came across! so i dont know what to do anymore. i guess its stop hanging out with owen and stop going to the drop ins. for example now, i found a nice quiet nook in the library and now its filled with with people literally i can smell the disgusting perfume and they are sitting right beside me stealing my energy and privacy and they stole my spot because they didnt see it, they saw me, and saw how i was enjoying myself and they wanted some of it. THEY STEAL FROM ME BECAUSE THEY ARE BLIND AND STUPID . im EXHAUSTED
wow i just ate major shit being nice to dumb fuck owen again. he is such a fuckin insult and arrogant and stupid holy fuck my intelligence is constantly insulted. he is such a fuckin failure and will never understand how stupid he is. im so insulted. im so generous to him and he does not even see and takes advantage and then insults me. wow. no wonder no one wants him around. holy fuck....... (written on may 22, 2020)

perfume ingredients for detergent soap

check this out
ever heard of client from hell a design team in toronto ? i bike by their office sometimes
 anyway i was just going on an algorhythm tip no doubt and found this
so im looking up aromatic chemicals and one of the ones presented to me, not something i searched literally was geranyl nitrile and i found on the good scents company the ifra is prohibiting this ingredient for perfume use but its being sold as a perfume ingredient. its been used on rats and rabbits when they force the animals large doses of this material until they die. so they know how toxic this ingredient is. yikes. this is the prohibiting body. so it looks like this patent for a plastic end piece for a tube packaged laundry detergent went through some revisions. perfume revisions. im not sure but have a look, its lol. client from hell you say? how bout perfume reformulations for plastic packaging specifications? axe body spray allergies causing anaphylactic shock and cant reveal formula you say?
 just for example. the material geranyl nitrile is a potential aquatic life disruptor according to the prohibiting body that tests on rats and rabbits (did they do a long term aquatic study ? i thought it sounds like its from geranium)  and according to this google patent is been used in laundry detergent since 1987...i think ... mass produced cos who has the money to patent the development of the plastic end tube packaging? wonder what laundry detergent this is? i will research the material now cos its kind of weird. im not sure what to use. obviously i wont use the rat and rabbit tested stuff if i find out. gee. let me check now. cant they test somehow in another way? i guess not. they do weird tests on humans enough as it is... oh so much to do!
the amount of scent you need to make something smell good when you whiff it from the bottle is how consumers buy things and that amount is HUGE and actually if you dilute it.... like hey ever buy a huge bottle of dish soap that your crazy bf uses up in two days ? but actually what you learned to do is dilute like a teaspoon in 2 cups of distilled water and use it for a week? i mean, wow lets just perfume the world via our kitchen and laundry sinks, only thing perfume making doesnt work that well this way. ive made so many weird combinations to know.

wow ok so this patent i found off the good scents database,
is from 1928 the original laundry detergent and fabric softner, a fresh lemony aroma, apparently, or perfume. about .20% of the patent ingredient is used and the formula uses .10 in 1300 or something, geranyl nitrile has been used as a perfume ingredient for various household and personal products since 1928 and all the info theye could find was torturing rabbits and rats? consumer privacy and research and unknown cumulative toxicitiy there must be an easier way. i mistyped mist and imagine if the corona virus was actually some kind of mist or particle from some form of banned ingredient found out by the perfume industry. like some of these ingredients arent actually perfume ingredients, they just have a nice smell so the perfume industry has access to them. yikes. to know is half the battle but what if its just too long and what is a timeline anymore? maddening.

ok wtf
i just found this ban on the substance as a perfume ingredient for detergent
 from 2009

is this a nitrile form from geranium>????? i dont understand how this ingredient was made. why do they use geranyl as a name ? there are many geranyl ingredients that are natural isolates that are not toxic?
like as in cyanide? like nitriles are like glues, so if its a bastard of geranium that sticks around too long, it was part of a lemony aroma that lasted in laundry soap so its not necessarily lemony and if its for a freshness it sounds like geranium doesnt it. please dont make me be the one to look this shit up i just wanted to make perfume and actually yes i realize i cant sell any of the perfumes now without looking up the ingredients to some degree, specially not blends from other companies who cannot disclose their perfume ingredients? like really my day is spent stressing on where to throw the trash vs recylcing and knowing and not doing due to other things like doing this? wth?
or wth am i actually reading ugh
ok so its banned since 2009 for found toxicity to aquatic life found out from testing on animals
its been used as a laundry detergent perfume ingredient since 1980
its still being sold today
good thing i didnt buy it!! or did i??
is this ingredient used in any of the essential oil perfume blends i buy as perfume ingredients? if its a compound from a natural ingredient forced into a specific shape for its prolonged odor for rinse off products is this in the woolzies stuff that use for dryer balls ? is it considered a distillate? ugh im the rat now. honestly i feel tortured... avatars from basenotes haunt me like ebeneezer scroodge and the fairys and godmothers of tales you wished were true before you read other things not meant for children.... hand me that baby product............200 years later mutant humans with scratch and sniff areas of the body that detect diseases in their dna matches world wide but are only found under specific constraints and the battle for privacy reigns supreme!! natural deaths for the anarchists!! vegan terrorists corona virus rabbit testing isis flag plant double take in a british gay rally using shame to shun a female reporter https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3142221/CNN-confuses-black-white-flag-covered-sex-toy-symbols-ISIS-London-gay-pride-parade.html what the actual fuuuck ?????? anyway just something to think about. i have to dig for that not actually an isis gay flag link now and link the shame post https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/So_You%27ve_Been_Publicly_Shamed but holy hell man....

i mean wow this is just a few hours of chillin on my own using the internet and my mind, i wish i was housed like i have to go through the ads and bike around and im just so tired of traps and such. its hard gains when youre noticing specific perfume ingredients. i mean my mind is so blown and my shade spot is sunny so i have to go, before i you know, get cancer and mutate!!!!!ok i checked. its not getting cancer and mutating. its not carcinogenic to humans, its toxic to fresh water fish, like this delicious lookin bugger, lauscisus isus...say that again?

so its a no for laundry. lethal concentration for 50% of the animals, in this case this cute fresh water fish native to europe and asia waterways according to wikipedia, is LC50 - Leuciscus idus (Golden orfe) - > 22 - 44 mg/l - 96 h (msds found here http://finoric.com/Aromatics/Geranylnitrile.htm) so that means the fish die? in 1-96 hours of 22-44 mg in what? in the lake? you use .01% in the total fragrance concentration or less than that for the total but if its millions of people  (or even say 50,000 people using this laundry detergent for 40 years in one area) using it and all the washing machine run off goes through one area which seeps into the fresh water way a few kilometers over by underground passages and then these fish all die. wtf? cos this damn geranyl nitrile? damn! how did the fish die .... is the new why did the chicken cross the road?

omg i just should stop checking the new links as i go along

now i find ok supply chains. so this one supplier i find in the u.s. gets chems from india and china and this one indian patent is getting geranyl nitrile from essential oil https://www.allindianpatents.com/patents/195658-a-process-for-the-prepration-of-geranyl-nitrile-from-lemon-grass-oil  let me just keep reading this and ... does anyone want to get me lunch? i missed lunch again. ugh.
ok so it says here
"However isolation of citral from natural source such as essential oil of lemon grass may either be achieved by fractional distillation of the oil or by derivatisation such as bisulfite formation which is followed by liberation of citral by treatment with alkali solution. Lemon grass oil (Cymbopogon pendulus fam. Grahminae) contain almost 65-70% of citral which is a mixture of two stereoisomers, viz. citral a (65%) and citral b (35%) (Sharma, J.R., Lai, R.K. Mishra, H.O. and Naqvi, A., current science 197, 56, 30; and Patra, P and Dutta, P.K. Res. & Ind. 1986, 31, 358). "

so basically you can get geranyl nitrile from a natural source and it could be called a distillate of an essential oil of lemongrass, but this isolate is a known irritant to freshwater fish and soil pollutant which would seep into fish. its got a lemony fresh odor, its similar to lemonile in name/term (which i have but havent used cos its so strong and theres a note of metal in it that i find offensive to my nose even at the smallest concentration- i was nudged by pk paulkiler in basenotes to check it out at a low concentration, even in traces, so i havent tried it in formula in trace yet, but im smelling the dilution that i would use to be able to use it in trace and i already find it offensive like you somehow smell metal on your skin and you think of tetanus)

ok so now what? one ingredient ill remember not to try to use based on the ifra ban which ill trust because i havent found the fish study. and i need to go outside and ship some items. and eat something. maybe ill have some fish. i dont know anymore.....
this is all about venting and using the word fuckinit will prob go to draft
on top of all this owen is acting like a fool, an asshole, he is literally as i type telling me he doesnt believe i was abused, again, while insisting he was abused so much. he doesnt know what i just wrote on my blog. hes just another guy that i ended up with because of my maladaptive behaviour and high tolerance for abuse. abusing me. this is my entire life. it feels like these men get off on it. they literally get off on abusing me. like i rented this place? like ive rented all the places ive been in that owen asumes he is welcome to or allowed to treat me badly in? like he will just assume he owns me and all my resources while the entire time disrespecting and demeaning me, this is autism according to him? according to him being autistic is license to abuse me? i just dont understand what i did in life to deserve any of this. like my brother tried to kill me i have stitches in the back of my head? i have trauma memories of both my parents kicking my arms cos they were covering my head? i have trauma from darryl high on meth violently attacking me, punching my head as hard as he could? the police didnt arrest him but i got arrested for punching diogo who raped me ?  ? like i simply do not understand the arrogance of these men. why is this owen man still here hw is he allowed to continually harass and antagonize and abuse me and just say he has autism so its fine? how is not held accountable for these actions? he made my life so much worse and he never leaves? no one helps me? not even this man owen who was sooooo keen on telling me he loves me over and over and over again but now all he does is disrespect and demean me for his frail and failed ego ? how can i get out of it ? i cant find anyone or anywhere ? i am wishing i was dead and i wish this man was gone gone gone gone
im almost out of my award money owen finished it with his small acts of daily terrorism alongside the drooling landlord gang waiting to rape me. ill be homeless again soon enough and just wait....one after the other the next gang of drooling losers will be viciously attacking me for "free" sex and they will make me "pay" for it NO DOUBT. i get back from the fake mocking viewings they set me up to waste my day for with their phishing expeditions and i have to use the washroom but its locked cos owen was in there stinking it up. i honestly dont understand how one man can make the bathroom smell like onions and warm cat jizz. im honestly ready to die and cannot wait until i do so no more men and women can abuse and mock me. can not wait to be dead. my life has never been mine, its always been for gross people to steal from and hurt me. i have not had a good life, only in pretend, and even then, people are jealous of my facade and hurt me some more because they are uncreative. im honestly constantly abused and my privacy is always trolled. the amount of effort these creeps go through just to make fun of an abused woman is staggering.

Tori Amos - Crucify @ Montreux 1991

i swear to god there is a police officer in toronto 13 division that looks like tori amos from 1991.