ive freaked myself out so throughly i cant talk. i mean everything i say or want to say outloud carries too many layers of meaning. so im so freaked out by myself and talking out loud. im such a weirdo.
yeah im not gonna finish that last story... basically it sucked it was fun it was cool it wasnt then i got to eat some sushi and get dirty. so all in all it was another day in the life of whatever this is. but now i have the extreme urge to say: i like, do sex. lol wtf. losers. sexuality what does it mean and why are some people so annoyed by it. i guess if you are a church goer it would bug you to be jokes about sex. if you knew who you were with you would know what they are like. so its a crying shame a lot of people lie. good thing im a good liar to myself. yeah so im really needing to find a job. career change. i gave my inspiration away to losers. and they keep taking it and i just let them. cos i dont really like it anymore. my inspiration i mean. the intention. to feel like i used to. but what is that. poke poke poke. oh yeah baby that feels sooo good. thats me being sarcastic i have to explain. maybe i should move.
wow talk about storm sandy. the only thing sandy was was sods law, murphy had some friends over last night and they partied, have been partying. so climate change. its changed in my lifetime. i suppose thats what it does but wow new york flooded in a minute. last night my friends like hey im home hanging out, so im like oh i want some hang out im gonna come over/ but of course sandy had done her thing, the train lines were down, i had no money and was gonna beg a ride, but there was no train anyway... walking back and forth talkin on the phone thinking man i really want some hang out i havent had any in two days and im gonna step on an innocent otherwise. so i yell at him poor guy lol and go home and start unfuming cos 1, i was annoyed the trains were taking so long 2, finding out there were no trains after walking back n forth to stops 3, no hang out... so im home and then he calls and is like hey lets trade your good behaviour for hang out, ill pay your cab. lol. im like wth man, why didnt you tell me that while i was outside/ so i get dressed and go grab a cab and hes like ok the cab should only be 20 bucks. so i get in the cab the drivers like, hey. im like yo. and were talkin and he says im his first pasajero, his familys like why you goin out so late do you think theres going to be anyone out there, hes like of course theres a storm, and i said that too.. anyway i tell him about the backlog of trains- i found out cos while i was goin back and forth some guy walked by me and told me yeah the trains are all backed up down there the power lines are messed up, thats when i walked home and yelled at my poor friend lol anyway the cab drivers like hey im like yo my friend said the cab should only cost 20 bucks and take the highway and when i tell him about the train backlog hes like oh you know i got a friend who works for ttc and he says the ttc's got its own power lines separate from the city. im like, really? oh so if there a brownout the ttc will still work but if theres a blackout the ttc is out too. and if it gets messed the ttc wont work but he said there are grids scattered and they would probly lend their power or get rerouted...we also talked about i cant remember but when we got to my friends place i was like oh i shouldve called him and when we got right to the door the cab was 19.75 and i called my friend and he was waiting at the door! pretty cool right? so he pays i walk in and now im tripping on the music and i should do something like look for more jobs and fix my lame resume. oh just give it a cane. candy cane please, my mom used to make them into raindeer... ill finish this story later. anyway its not going to fare as well one would imagine as the forewarning suggests but there is a twist ending
i had a fucked up dream. i wrote it to some guy on chat last night so ill just cut an paste it here. fuck me though cos i forgot to remove my sig in my email. im so dumb. aaaanyway earlier i woke up in terror and i couldnt move i tried screaming and it came out so slowly. i finally woke myself up. i was scared and i thought someone was coming into my house but i had put all these traps so i would hear anybody, but in my dream state, i ran to the door and my bike was gone, it had been moved to the kitchen and when i looked my lock on the door was gone! i opened the door to the hallway and it was weird, the atmosphere was different. this was about the time i 'woke up'. when i checked my clock less than 20 mins had passed since i came to bed. so i stayed up a bit and eventually fell asleep. then i woke up at 10:30 paid some rent :( and now im hungry.
someone told me guilt is really bad for you. i can believe them. guilt makes me feel bad. now if you cant feel bad how can you feel good? but what about when you cant tell what you feel? you think its good you think its real you think its the thing that carries you, protects you, makes you whole. turns out to be very harmful, causes instability and disrupts your true nature. to decide what to do, i say, follow yourself.
i wish i could understand whats going on. oh well. ill just roll with it. realized i cant lose something i didnt have and i cant have something i lost. so lock your bike up and lock the door.
holy hell what a crazy motha fuckin snakes on a plane kind of year ive been having. the year i turned 33 is the year jesus came into my life and i realized i liked god much much much better. YES OH GOD YES ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!! so i found some old friends. im glad they are who they are. the new ones are great too but the old ones know me. unless im talking to a computer. fuggin gassy as fuck i think i might have eaten some eggs and washed it down with some fresh squeezed og. oh i meant oj. not the simpsons. unless its this song http://youtu.be/BYxiGfw1cVo yeah so this blog is going in a new direction. dont worry im not turning into a jesus freak. but yeah i like guys that look like jesus and im kind of a total freak. but im nice. i promise.... meanwhile i need a fuggin job. got one for me?
so i tried to call the number he left me but it didnt work cos i dont got long distance and he doesnt wanna skype so ill let him assume and leave it at that he can hate me blame me nevermind me i did the same i deserve it. oh well... just need to get the damn divorce. what a disappointment. i guess i cant be hurt, i cant feel hurt, i suppose yeah hey oh shes strong she doesnt hurt she never feels she doesnt know how to love etc. these words come from people who have hurt me to no end...
so i go write someone and i try to be nice covering up all the hurt and confusion i cant be strong enough to be honest. he says good bye over and over again but we have a piece of paper together. its my fault for saying yes. for choosing that one. why? because half the time i dont know what i am doing. i have no idea. im thinking in my head its better than the reality of living life and having to deal with people who i dont get who i dont understand who dont understand me. its difficult comfort living in my head but when i get out of it i understand how difficult it actually is. comfort is a smile from your beloved. a hand held out to say hey im here for you. a word saying hey! i thought of you! in reply i get a long winding response dictating how horrible i am how much of their addiction is my fault, unmentioned! amazing!! as if it never happened. and that is the crux of my distaste and i am appalled but not surprized. i can blame myself, especially when my faults are shown to me. its humiliating but i suppose i deserve it. if i was to be weak i would say i deserve it all. all the abuses and all the men that hurt me. but im not that weak, ill take the blame that is mine but i will not take what isnt. shrug my shoulders and water off my back but my mind stays and says: you were a bad idea. you were a mistake. i am sorry for both of us. you couldve stayed gay and tried it that way instead of getting with me. yes yes fall in love and then blame me. i do this too. i do it just like you. if anything good could happen today, i hope it is that i find me finding someone to talk to.
yeah i know its been like 2 months. wtf. who cares no one reads this shit anyway so the other night i was thinking what the fuck does he want, his uncle to sperm my frozen eggs? thats when i thought, ok better go to sleep. but not before 3 more ridiculous thoughts. like gee. and holy fuck i cant bear the thought of you playing with a little baby that isnt part of me. you know you can call me baby. and ill coo back. did i get it right? a little black book unasked ungiven and now to return and truck or flame so retarded my flights of fancy become stories for the ages its ok if youre gay and were a virgin 40 year old virgin? hilarious but you felt so freaking good yep i so remember and it wasnt my british friend on a rave where that came from it is so funny when i was a kid in a parking lot with all my friends i met this chick from spain and she was wearing satin she told me the nacho cheese joke and i loved her for it she wore glasses and strappy sandals she told me she never tried e before so i told her give me your money and lemme get you one which i dutifully did and she tripped with us her first time brought to you by connection: me. then she turned into a super star. im not claiming movie rights bragging rights or any right but i loved seeing that girl soar. .: somedays i see you everywhere i asked you once: will you name your restaurant nicole? and you said: hey good catch smalleys and... hmm lemme think about this one and truck my sorry lame ass down queen street one more time oh yeah gelato pizza it isnt really like sushi pizza but its way better than sushi pizza with a killer cat. wouldnt that be insanely crazy amazing? i thought so too. i also thought, get your head straight this is reality that is a dream. so many possibilities. like that lykki li song my belly hurts and i drank some milk. with tea. its getting late im meant to be sewing but i keep reading bullshit and loving it. so einstein says be steady to avoid uncertainty. OK