project blues

somedays (like today) i feel like im getting my period. everything feels so lonely and difficult... like today i wonder again if my move toronto was the right thing to do. ive had such a hard time here and it doesnt seem to be letting up any time soon. the amount of pressure and stress here to make rent and pay bills is 4 times more than in vancouver cos now i got this whole apartment to pay for and no business. im not really sure if i can do the anti prohibition calendar idea by myself. there doesnt really seem anyone into it as much as me, and that is the business me. but then i realize this is a charitable opportunity for the medicinal marijuana community here on toronto. im not really part of this community but i do support them and all their efforts. i understand the difficulties of prohibition and the effects it has on people who genuinely need this natural medicine. currently the government is trying to take away all the licensed growers out there who are producing specific strains for specific needs and patients. if the government succeeds in this not only will this negatively impact the whole medicinal marijuana program, it will surely raise criminality and increase prescriptions for chemical medications for mild symptoms. i still have lots to read about regarding the laws and the communities stance, as this is not my community i feel like a total outsider (cos i am) and its kinda hard and lonely. but i said that already.
meanwhile im in the library listing some stuff. my net at home blows cos im just swiping whatever wifi i can get. so many bills and debt. its ridiculous. i have to pay for rent, hydro, phone, net, new pr card, divorce, new passport, plane ticket, debts to simon and my cousin christine. oh yeah and the damn credit card debt. so in total its like i need to make a gazillion bucks by march and i seriously doubt i can do it!! gah fear and worry set in and my tears start streaming down my face.
i never got replies to any of the jobs i applied for but i am probably not looking properly. i wrote so many cover letters and spent way too much time on the hope that i would find a job and go normal. then the job opportunities that are presented to me are things i am hesitant to commit to doing due to the current state of my heart and morality.
husband getting deported and having to deal with the aftermath of that relationship mentally, emotionally and financially as well as being here by myself and all the trolls that were fucking with me cos i would post poetry online really broke my heart last year.
i know this is a new year and im meant to be all set and good for it, but actually according to the chinese calendar the new snake year starts on feb 10. so im going to go on the fact that my new year has not really started yet. goats and snakes get along pretty good so im pretty optimistic for my new year.
meanwhile, im really sleepy. i havent been getting more than 5 hours of sleep for ages now. i cant sleep and when i do..its not very sound. editing the pics just a while ago i noticed i was nodding off so i thought to write this.
now i dont mean to complain and i know positivity attracts positive results but i am in some muddy water and i think the bucket rope in this well i fell in is quite frayed. if someone could replace the bucket rope that would be great...

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