so i go write someone and i try to be nice covering up all the hurt and confusion i cant be strong enough to be honest. he says good bye over and over again but we have a piece of paper together. its my fault for saying yes. for choosing that one. why? because half the time i dont know what i am doing. i have no idea. im thinking in my head its better than the reality of living life and having to deal with people who i dont get who i dont understand who dont understand me. its difficult comfort living in my head but when i get out of it i understand how difficult it actually is. comfort is a smile from your beloved. a hand held out to say hey im here for you. a word saying hey! i thought of you! in reply i get a long winding response dictating how horrible i am how much of their addiction is my fault, unmentioned! amazing!! as if it never happened. and that is the crux of my distaste and i am appalled but not surprized. i can blame myself, especially when my faults are shown to me. its humiliating but i suppose i deserve it. if i was to be weak i would say i deserve it all. all the abuses and all the men that hurt me. but im not that weak, ill take the blame that is mine but i will not take what isnt. shrug my shoulders and water off my back but my mind stays and says: you were a bad idea. you were a mistake. i am sorry for both of us. you couldve stayed gay and tried it that way instead of getting with me. yes yes fall in love and then blame me. i do this too. i do it just like you. if anything good could happen today, i hope it is that i find me finding someone to talk to.

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